Elective C-Section-I'm Doomed

The c-section date is only ten days away. I am scared out of my mind that I am going to be sliced open, my guts ripped out and put on display for everyone and a baby popping out! I had a emergency c-section with MS which I understand due to decels in the 10's (which I think is due to the cervadil but that is another story). I really wanted to attempt a VBAC with this one but my doctor has convinced me otherwise. So now I am scheduled for what is called an elective c-section, I wouldn't go that far into saying I really had a choice the way it was presented to me. She presented the statistics about placental abruption and told me my baby could die if I did a VBAC. Now, doing research I find that claim true but extremely rare. I am hoping to avoid a c-section and just go into labor a day before my c-section and tell the nurse/doctors that I am going to try to go as far as I can on my own. I have prepared myself for labor and I am hoping I will since it is far too late to change doctors as I only have 10 more days to go. So girls pray for the rapid onset of labor before 5:30am on January 2nd!

Also, another reason I would rather go into labor is the fact that I am selfish. Really, I am. I do not want the 6-8 weeks of healing time that goes into having a c-section, its not fun I have been there done that and I still am occasionally in pain at the site they cut open. I want the satisfaction of knowing I am strong and pushed out my 7lb (doctors estimate) baby! I want to be able to cuddle with my 1 1/2 year old when she wants to and not have to worry about her feisty feet getting me and busting my site open and I want the instant bonding that I never got with MS even though I understand she needed to go to NICU right away due to not being able to keep her body temperature up. I feel like I was robbed of my birth experience with MS even though I know it was for the best because I have a living, happy child as a result. I recovered rather quickly from my first c-section but that was also before I had another child that won't just "stop" crawling over me, wanting held, and needing comfort from mommy. I can't just stay in bed and take it easy-its not going to happen and I know it.

I am so scared to become a mother of two. I am not sure what to expect, everyone is telling me it will be okay but I am not so sure about that. I will have two that want my constant attention, two who will need to be fed and one of those will be breastfeeding and that takes some time unless he becomes a booby champion real quick. I am nervous and excited, more nervous then anything. So much can happen and I don't want MS to feel like she has been replaced. I am working hard in coordination with family to keep her schedule the same so nothing will change there, I feel that is important. My grandparents are coming down to help with MS while we transition new baby into the house (I don't have the nerve to tell them no, but that is a whole different post). I am scared that MS will start behaving badly looking for attention and I will like a horrible mother-I already do since we started making her sleep in her own bed. MS has started calling me "meanie mommy" that stings a little and makes me want to cry, especially when it is time for bed. I can only imagine how bad it is going to get once there is another baby needing my attention as well.

I have a lot to do today-maybe its nesting and labor is imminent? (yeah didn't think so, I can hope right)...

So, in case anyone cares this is what I did yesterday & have plans to do today:
MS Room
-Hung all her decorations (after 2 mo. of living here)
-Went through all of her toys and took out all the things that are too young for her
-Went through her clothes & packed up everything too small

SM Room
-Clothes are folded & hung/necessities placed
-Put up crib (M's job-don't plan on using it right away but I want it done NOW)

*Need to have M put together MS's jumping horse things before Christmas* Wrap Presents*

Living Room
-Cleaned out/under couches (quite a feat-lots of lost items found in there too!)
-Rearranged furniture (M's idea, not mine-I liked it the way it was!)
-Put rocker in living room (Still need to get it from parents house and place it in ours)
-Really need to hang my curtains (more like a M job & his drill)

Kitchen
-Install dishwasher (yup, another M)
-Go through all my plastic tupperware & toss mismatch things

My Bedroom
-Organize closet (it is now color coded & I know it won't stay that way for long)

Master Bath-It really needs help!
-Organize all medicine AGAIN-Dear hubby doesn't know how to put things back after searching for band-aids GRR!
-Need to scrub down the shower-its looking a little grungy too

So there are my plans for the rest of the day, add in eating/sleeping and well I have a full day ahead of me!