Wednesday, December 31, 2008

The End of 2008 Comes to A Close

So much has happened in 2008, life changing experiences that usually don't happen all at once much less in the same year so here is to 2008 coming to an end and hopefully an even better year coming!

  • My baby girl turned the magical one this year
  • Moved out of the ghetto into a house that we now OWN!
  • Started school to become a nurse
  • M started school to become a NP
  • Found out we were pregnant with SM
  • Rescued a kitty that had a fractured skull

I know it may not be a lot to some people but it is a lot to me. Here is to you 2008!

Resolutions, as I am a little hesitant to actually jot down my resolutions as then I might actually have to admit that I didn't do them next year or then will actually have to do them but either way I am still going to jot them down just to torture myself next year.

  • Like to get down to a nice weight after baby born (150-160 lbs.)
  • Attempt to breast feed SM for at least 6 mo. like I did with MS
  • Become a more active mom and take the kids to the park/walks/activities
  • Get involved in a play group (this is iffy-I am a little frightened by this one)
  • Maintain my 3.5 GPA
  • Get my car paid off
I don't think those are too bad, I think the one that will be the hardest the weight loss & GPA because I will really have to work at those and I am a little intimidated by the fact I will have two babies and still manage to get my school work done or anything resembling exercise. I guess we will have to see next year!

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Am I Being a Hypochondriac?

The past two weeks I have felt there is something not right with my body. I have told my normal doctor and the doctor I saw today (the one doing the c-section) they seem to think that I am fine and just worrying over nothing I however don't think I am fine. At least on Friday I will be having baby and I won't have to worry to much about pre-eclampsia anymore.

Here are the signs of pre-eclampsia
1. High Blood Pressure (134/87 today)
2. Increase in protein of urine (said it looked fine but in reading about it, Dr. Google says that to get accurate protein you need a 24 hr. urine sample)
3. Changes in vision (I have massive floaters, it appears like gnats are flying around a light-very weird)
4. Severe headaches (check, they make me want to cry!)
5. Unusual bruising (I have bruised dots on my arms-have no clue what they are from)

I found that normal blood pressure for a pregnant woman is 120/80-I normally run 120/60 on most of my visits. Hypertension is usually 140/90 so I am right on that brink of hitting that point so I am really worried about it. Well in 2 days 17 hours I will have a baby boy in my arms and I pray that he is a healthy little guy.

Monday, December 29, 2008


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Makes You Wonder...

As some of you know (hell, I don't even any readers who am I kidding?) I was adopted by my grandparents when I was a child. I have always looked up to them as my mom and dad and nothing will ever change that. So, yesterday I talked to my grandma (my sperm-donors mom) and she said that he was straightening up his act and really wanted to talk to me. Keep in mind the first time I met him I was 13 and he was a total a hole. Since then I probably talked to him once a year in his drunken stupor and had to listen to him saying how much he screwed up and he really wants to be a dad to me yada yada, even though he isn't a dad to the four boys all under the age of 7 so I don't know what makes me so special. Anyways, so she gives me his number. I figure eh its the holidays I will call and say hi. So, I call and his girlfriend that he moved in with answers the phone. I think at first she was wondering who the hell was calling her boyfriend. She said he was unavailable and asked who it was so she could tell him I told her it was S, his daughter. Magically he was available to talk-gotta love jealous women! So, he goes on to say he has been sober 150 days and is working at a juvenile detention facility with teenagers that are just like he used to be-great I really can't picture that but okay. So, he said he is going to file for custody of his children-good luck after not being there for three years or paying a single cent in court ordered support! I am happy that he is trying to change his life, I really am but a part of me only thinks this is a facade' and he is doing it for this woman as he has been sober as long as he has lived with her. Don't get me wrong I hope he does straightened up his act for himself and his boys but I see failure-I know that is horrible. He goes on to say he wants to come see his grandkids this summer. Well, that set me off I don't view him as my father and I never will. He didn't raise me, teach me the things as dad is supposed to teach, or even try to stay in contact with me. I feel being a grandparent is an achievement you can only achieve after you have raised your own kids and is a privileged title, not something you can just claim, but have to put in many hours of stress, pride, anger, happiness etc. to gain that title. So, I told him that they were not his grandkids and if he wanted to see them that was great but he was only DB to me not dad/father and he will never be grandpa. I was maybe a bit harsh but just because he is sober does not mean I am going to let him take a role in my life that has only brought me bitterness throughout the years of growing up. He sure won't be in and out of my children's lives as an important figure, he has a track record with me so why should I give him the benefit of doubt now? Sorry, just needed to vent.

Saturday, December 27, 2008

Blogger's Block

For Christmas MS got a baby that talks, cries, and interacts with you. So, today her baby was crying I told her you better fix your baby! So, what does MS do? She lifts up the babies shirt, exposes the back, unfastens the Velcro, and turns the baby off at the switch. Wow, her daddy must have shown her that... Makes you wish you could "fix" all babies like that some days.

Thursday, December 25, 2008

Stories from the bedside....

So, last night dear hubby is in deep sleep and I am trying to get him to move his leg over so I can get comfortable this is the story that ensues..

Hubby: I wanna gdkjhkahke
Me: What did you say?
Hubby: I want to fank you?
Me: Fank?
Hubby: my thingy likes you
Me: umm... okay but your pinching my belly, can you roll over?
Hubby: rolls over and starts snoring

Glad I got out of that one, its sleepy time!

Merry Christmas

Well, it is officially Christmas and it really does not feel like it. MS is still awake due to poor judgment on my part as a parent. My parents had us over for Christmas Eve and she made out that is for sure but they also got her a spring horse that they wanted us to put together and have under our tree in the morning for her. Well, we didn't have enough patience and begun putting it together (by the way it takes two people to put the springs on) which she of course sees us doing this and wants to "help." Her help involves standing with a wrench smacking the horse! So, once we get it done we of course let her ride on it. She is now refusing to get off of it and if we even attempt to take her off of it she goes into full tantrum mode. For the record she has never thrown a tantrum over a toy before but she sure loves this toy names Lucky. I am not sure if this is a gift that will be fantastic or hell, haven't decided yet! Well, I am off to wrap presents that I still have not wrapped! Merry Christmas/Happy Holidays/Happy Kwanzaa/Happy Hanukkah/Or anything else that I may have forgotten!

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Elective C-Section-I'm Doomed

The c-section date is only ten days away. I am scared out of my mind that I am going to be sliced open, my guts ripped out and put on display for everyone and a baby popping out! I had a emergency c-section with MS which I understand due to decels in the 10's (which I think is due to the cervadil but that is another story). I really wanted to attempt a VBAC with this one but my doctor has convinced me otherwise. So now I am scheduled for what is called an elective c-section, I wouldn't go that far into saying I really had a choice the way it was presented to me. She presented the statistics about placental abruption and told me my baby could die if I did a VBAC. Now, doing research I find that claim true but extremely rare. I am hoping to avoid a c-section and just go into labor a day before my c-section and tell the nurse/doctors that I am going to try to go as far as I can on my own. I have prepared myself for labor and I am hoping I will since it is far too late to change doctors as I only have 10 more days to go. So girls pray for the rapid onset of labor before 5:30am on January 2nd!

Also, another reason I would rather go into labor is the fact that I am selfish. Really, I am. I do not want the 6-8 weeks of healing time that goes into having a c-section, its not fun I have been there done that and I still am occasionally in pain at the site they cut open. I want the satisfaction of knowing I am strong and pushed out my 7lb (doctors estimate) baby! I want to be able to cuddle with my 1 1/2 year old when she wants to and not have to worry about her feisty feet getting me and busting my site open and I want the instant bonding that I never got with MS even though I understand she needed to go to NICU right away due to not being able to keep her body temperature up. I feel like I was robbed of my birth experience with MS even though I know it was for the best because I have a living, happy child as a result. I recovered rather quickly from my first c-section but that was also before I had another child that won't just "stop" crawling over me, wanting held, and needing comfort from mommy. I can't just stay in bed and take it easy-its not going to happen and I know it.

I am so scared to become a mother of two. I am not sure what to expect, everyone is telling me it will be okay but I am not so sure about that. I will have two that want my constant attention, two who will need to be fed and one of those will be breastfeeding and that takes some time unless he becomes a booby champion real quick. I am nervous and excited, more nervous then anything. So much can happen and I don't want MS to feel like she has been replaced. I am working hard in coordination with family to keep her schedule the same so nothing will change there, I feel that is important. My grandparents are coming down to help with MS while we transition new baby into the house (I don't have the nerve to tell them no, but that is a whole different post). I am scared that MS will start behaving badly looking for attention and I will like a horrible mother-I already do since we started making her sleep in her own bed. MS has started calling me "meanie mommy" that stings a little and makes me want to cry, especially when it is time for bed. I can only imagine how bad it is going to get once there is another baby needing my attention as well.

I have a lot to do today-maybe its nesting and labor is imminent? (yeah didn't think so, I can hope right)...

So, in case anyone cares this is what I did yesterday & have plans to do today:
MS Room
-Hung all her decorations (after 2 mo. of living here)
-Went through all of her toys and took out all the things that are too young for her
-Went through her clothes & packed up everything too small

SM Room
-Clothes are folded & hung/necessities placed
-Put up crib (M's job-don't plan on using it right away but I want it done NOW)

*Need to have M put together MS's jumping horse things before Christmas* Wrap Presents*

Living Room
-Cleaned out/under couches (quite a feat-lots of lost items found in there too!)
-Rearranged furniture (M's idea, not mine-I liked it the way it was!)
-Put rocker in living room (Still need to get it from parents house and place it in ours)
-Really need to hang my curtains (more like a M job & his drill)

-Install dishwasher (yup, another M)
-Go through all my plastic tupperware & toss mismatch things

My Bedroom
-Organize closet (it is now color coded & I know it won't stay that way for long)

Master Bath-It really needs help!
-Organize all medicine AGAIN-Dear hubby doesn't know how to put things back after searching for band-aids GRR!
-Need to scrub down the shower-its looking a little grungy too

So there are my plans for the rest of the day, add in eating/sleeping and well I have a full day ahead of me!

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Scared Out Of My Mind

We arrived home tonight around 9:15pm, nothing seemed out of the ordinary. We were in a fairly chipper mood as we had just finished our last final of the semester and were quite happy about it! I sit on the couch and look outside my window (we live in a close community) and see the door of a vacant house open with the lights on and I found this weird. I called the community manager and she said it was her in there and to come over she wanted to show me something seeing as we live next door. Apparently while we had been gone someone had gotten into the house and set fire to it several places. The walls scorched, the carpet gone in some places, it was like living my worst fear. She believes she knows who it was and the police were able to get a print off of one of the smoke detectors. Hopefully they catch the person and its an isolated incident. I hope they catch the person so that I will be able to sleep at night. I am scared to death of having a fire, it is one of my worst fears. When I came home, I tested all the smoke detectors (we have one in every room) fortunately they all work but I am still scared to death that a fire will start in our house and I won't be able to reach MS in time or we won't be able to get out. It makes my heart race just thinking about it. Then in talking to the manager she also told me there is a serial rapist on the loose. Again, this is not comforting as I was raped when I was 13 years old, fortunately I sent that sorry bastard to jail and was able to get my justice unlike so many other people, but it still scares me. The reason she knew this was going on? She unfortunately was one of the victims. I didn't know what to say, I was speechless-what do you say to someone that has been raped. I'm sorry to hear that just don't cut it-it was very uncomfortable since I have only known her for two months. I just wanted to grab her up and hug her but I wasn't sure that was appropriate either. Now not only am I scared that I am going to wake up with my house on fire but now I am going to be constantly looking over my shoulder and eyeballing everyone just a little bit closer in fear that I will be raped as well. This is a small town (only a population of MAYBE 5,000 people) and things like this are not supposed to happen. We have only had only murder in the past ten years and that was a domestic issue, not someone who just came up and shot someone. What is this world coming to, I lived in a world where I thought that small town was safe and now I am really beginning to get a reality check. I am scared, I am on edge, and I will definitely be paying a lot more attention to everything around me instead of being oblivious to the things that could possibly happen at anytime. Am I over-reacting?

Monday, December 15, 2008

Could This Be The Answer?

I was reading an article today that suggested researchers are on their way to helping premature infants lungs develop faster. It has something to do with calcium receptors, I am not going to pretend to know what that truly does, but could we be on our way to seeing all those tiny 25 week gestation babies survive with minimal effects? I know the research is still rather raw and it will take time to get medication approved and begin distributing it but maybe this is the answer to so many parents/babies dreams. I truly hope they continue their research and are able to do this as quickly and safely as possible as this could truly be a miracle in the making.

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Long Night

We got MS dropped off at my parents house. I am really hoping that my mom will listen to my requests of not sleeping with her because it would only be a step backwards if she did and I really hate listening to my daughter's pleas to sleep with M and I. I realize my mom probably will not listen to me as I slept with my mom till I was 13. I was what you would consider a very insecure child growing up. I had severe separation anxiety and fears that my parents would just take off one day and leave me. Looking back now I probably should have been in counseling, I had a pretty rough time before I was even four years old. Before I was born my biological mother (who I know call my sister) was forced into rehab because of her addiction to cocaine while being pregnant with me. After I was born it was my grandparents (now the people I call mom and dad) that took care of me because my BM wanted to party instead. By the time I was a year old I was already calling them mom and dad and her A. When I was two A took off to marry someone and left me. I know now that it was for the best and I don't resent that anymore but I used to. It was something I struggled with for many years and a little part of me does today. At four years old my parents legally adopted me, which was a blessing in itself. My mom had 13 miscarriages and desperately wanted another baby, I would become that baby to her. I can't imagine the pain she went through trying to carry a baby to term and quite frankly I never want to imagine how much pain it caused her. Ultimately though the abandonment left me very insecure and I don't think it was recognized until I became a full fledged teenager that refused to see a therapist because "there was nothing wrong with me." Looking back I should have taken the help but I let pride get in my way and even today I let pride get in my way. My life when I was younger now reflects on how I am a parent whether that is good or not I am still unsure of. I am learning every step of the way. I am not claiming to be a know-it all but I really wish I knew the best way to raise my child and to never hurt her but I know that is going to be impossible. I know everyone makes mistakes some worse than others but I strive to be the "perfect mom" and some days that wears me so thin there is no way possible that I am being a good mom. I am so lucky to be married to M, he can recognize when I need a break and will step up to the plate when I am feeling hopeless and tired. But is it really enjoy that I want to be that perfect parent? I at times feel like a robot caring for her, just going off a schedule and not necessarily bonding the way I should. Don't get me wrong, I love my daughter to death and I would die for her and do anything for her but again is that simply enough? Do I show her my love? I know I say it often and she will tell me "loooov you" but I don't think its enough to tell someone that you love them, actions speak louder than words. I know in the mornings that her diaper is going to be soaked from sleeping over night and it will need to be changed. I know she will demand a nana (banana) and her molk (milk), I know she will sit beside me as she wolfs down her banana and goes onto her reeo's (cheerios). I know she will want me to read and play with her even if I don't feel like it until her 11am naptime. I know she will ask for her puppy mobie (All Dog's go to Heaven) after her name and I will grungingly put the first fifteen minutes on that she will watch and lose interest and go on about her day. Is it not enough to know what she is going to want? Somedays I wonder if I am showing her how much I love her and care for her.

I don't know why this has struck me today, I am feeling sick (ie. sore throat, stuffy nose, ear ache) and just want to be loved and cared for but I don't seem to get the warm fuzzy feeling that I hope I am giving my child. M and I have had numerous discussions if you will call them about us showing our affection towards each other. He has Asperger's Syndrome and I know it can be difficult at times for him to show his feelings but what is my excuse? He will break down sometimes and tell me he doesn't think I care about him because I don't show him that I do. I feel like I do, but do I really? Yes, I may make his morning coffee for him before I wake him up for the day-but is it enough? Lately, I feel like we are disconnected from each other, two strangers parenting a child with another one on the way. At night we don't even cuddle with each other anymore and that could just be because I am so uncomfortable and hot lately I don't want to be touched but should I make that sacrifice just for a little bit so I can show him I do care and love him? I am so conflicted, how much do I have to sacrifice to show him how much I love him before it makes me unhappy to show him because I am trying so hard. He is a great husband and will engage in all my whims, he usually sees to it that all my physical needs are taken care of. Its just emotionally lately we are not taking care of each other. I remember something M's mom once said "tend to your marriage like a garden or weeds will grow" it is always stuck with me and I feel like I have been neglecting my garden lately and I need to pull those weeds before it kills my garden. I feel like all we do anymore is be parents and not partners anymore. I don't know how to go about bringing it up without sounding like a selfish woman. I know its important that MS gets the attention she needs but what about my emotional needs. I feel its more important for MS to grow up in a two parent home with parents that love her and more importantly love each other. To show her what a healthy relationship is and to provide as many tools as possible so she can go out into the real world and be successful. Is this too much to ask?

In other news last night was rather amusing. M works security for a club on the weekends and last night was relatively amusing. A lot of them are married and their wives will come with them on Saturday nights and help out at the club as it gets pretty busy. So two of the other women and I are sitting at a corner table watching all the craziness most of the night when a lady comes up to me and asks me if I remember her. I have no clue who she is and she says she has painted my face once... I think the last time my face was painted was when I was five years old and I highly doubt she remembers me from that long ago so I politely tell her that I don't know who she is and I think she is mistaken me for someone else. Just as she is leaving she steps and trips on my foot (she was pretty drunk) and lands straight on her face. After realizing she was okay and having security escort her out of the club as it was clear she needed to be cut off and go home to sleep all I could do was laugh (I know bad me!). Its night like this that make me smile at all the drunk/amusing people you run across. You have the young girls that want to dress like its going to be 500 degrees and must show as much skin as possible. You have the people trying to dress with a huge coat on even though its pretty warm in there, the girls that look like they are trying to dance in a strip club, not a dance club among others. Last weekend it was crazy enough where I helped do the pat downs and its amazing what people wear into the club or attempt to bring into the club. That night I took away ten, yes TEN bottles of alcohol away from various people trying to sneak it in. Do these people not realize they get patted down and purses checked? I love how our intelligence gets insulted because someone thinks they will get away with bringing it a LARGE bottle of liquor. IF they were to get in the club with it (which is highly unlikely) how do they think they are going to drink it as there are no doors to the bathroom stalls for security purposes and there is a security officer in the bathroom as well as over 15 security guards in the club itself. I would say their plan was never fully thought out-if they wanted to save money they should have stayed at home.

Saturday, December 13, 2008

Out Of A Name

So, today I have successfully accomplished nothing... That is right nothing. I guess that is one thing that I am good at as planning what I am going to do, even writing a "to do" list and then it never gets done when I want it to. Today, I would really like to change that but M is snoozing like a bum and I am attempting to get MS down for a nap in her OWN bed which is quite the challenge. So, we will see how far I actually get today-hopefully farther than what I am thinking I will get done.

MS went to bed by herself last night without too much fighting and comforting. That was a relief because I wasn't sure I could emotionally handle another night without breaking down and committing myself for feeling like a horrible mom. Realistically I know I am not horrible but I feel like it when your precious little baby is screaming out for you because she doesn't want to sleep in her own bed. Yesterday's nap was a met with a little more resistance than bedtime, I think its starting to sink in that we are not going to give in as much as I would like to! She ended up only sleeping for about thirty minutes and was then a very hyper little girl due to lack of sleep afterwards. Normally she takes about a 1 1/2 hour nap but that was not the case yesterday. Right now she is laying down in her own bed, with the door cracked open. As of right now she has been in there ten minutes with no crying/fussing and I am hoping that she will drift off into sleepy land and be there for a little while. I am hoping everything doesn't get unraveled tonight as she will be at my parents house and she always sleeps in the guest room with my mom even though I have asked her many times not to because I don't want her thinking she needs someone there to go to sleep especially with a new baby arriving, it is so frustrating. Any suggestions on how to approach this subject? I have already tried the blunt-she may scream but for the sanity of everyone in the long run you need to let her sleep by herself, but she will go in there and sleep with her ARGH!

Our car is doomed, it hung out with one too many sick cars. It all started last Friday night when M was taking MS to my parents so that they could watch her for a while. It was had snowed and it was pretty icy outside. On the way back home M went to stop at a stop sign and the ABS (Anti-lock Brake System) kicked in and sent him into a curb, hitting fairly hard. We took it to the mechanic yesterday because the steering wheel was not straight, the tires were not straight and you could not go over 45mph in the vehicle. So mechanic says its the struts, both bent which he says he has never seen both of them bent. It will cost 140.00 in labor and 75.00 for the parts because they could get used struts. Okay, thats fine lets do it! They call later after they have ripped the car apart and said it also needs a steering knuckle which they can also get used for 40.00. No problem if that is what fixes everything. Well, we went to go get the car and the mechanic says that the ABS light was on and he fixed it... I said the ABS light was not on when we brought it in but he said he "fixed" it so I was not too worried. Well as we pull out of the parking lot they shut their lights off and out the door they went as well. We have now found out that the ABS light that was not on when we brought it is now turning on if you go over 12mph also when you turn now it sounds like there is cats up in the engine and they are screeching. The car never made those sounds until he messed with it. There is no way to get a hold of them as they are convientently not open during the weekend... Monday they will hear from a very grumpy hormonal female that will expect them to fix what they messed up for free because it was not like that beforehand.

Also, last night I was attempting-keyword attempting to get dressed in normal clothes so that I could take M to work. So far I have gained 15 lbs but my stomach is a lot bigger than it was with MS even though I gained 23 lbs with her. First go on jeans-that isn't going to work as they will no longer fit around my protruding belly. Maternity jeans well that was a nice idea to but I was small with MS and have "small" maternity clothes. So I find some black comfy pants with a tie waist and throw those one. Next comes a shirt... well anything cute that would go with said black pants is refusing to cover my belly-yes even my maternity shirts. So, at this point I was ready to cry feeling like a whale. I sit on the toilet with a bra on and my black pants. I am holding my head in my hands and M walks in. Asks what I was doing and I said in my lovely whining voice "I don't have any clothes that fit!" "My stomach is HUGE!" He then says well that is what happens when you get pregnant and starts laughing. Gee, thanks dear I appreciate your support of not telling me how big I am and that I look gorgeous... I was ready to deck him but didn't. I could just buy new clothes but in three weeks I will be having SM and there is really no point in my opinion so until then I guess I will just be wearing slob clothes-I don't care, its not like I have to be anywhere special.

Friday, December 12, 2008


Right now M and I are going to college, to better ourselves. I wish I would have went straight to college right out of high school. Oh well, things happen for a reason and we are both correcting it now. Right now M is only working on the weekends at the club right now and going to school. Right now the economy stinks as most of you know and without much experience on paper and only driving experience it has been hard for him to find another job that also works with his school. I know we have to sacrifice right now for the better good of our family in the long run but it is depressing some days. Today we had to go up to SRS as they have been providing assistance to us. This is what we were told. He wants me to get on a work experience program once I have MS while I am also doing twelve hours of school. The WEP is going to be scheduled for 20 hours a week which is fine but they want M to 40 hour work week, plus 20 hr. WEP, and attend to school. Are they serious? They said our schooling can't be counted as WEP because its not a vocational school but a college and its not training for a trade like welding etc. While some people want to be welders and they are definitely people that are needed it is not something me and the hubby want to do. I feel so doomed right now that we will never make it through school because if we don't stop school we will be living in a box and eating out of trash cans... Any advice?

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Its Going to be a Long Night

When we lived with my parents for a couple months before buying our home we were all sleeping in the same room. She was in a toddler bed beside us. She would go to bed on her own and end up in our bed around 1am. I never let this happen before we moved to my parents but I didn't want her crying and waking up my parents so we continued to let this happen. Unfortunately it carried on once we moved out to our new house. We have been letting it happen since July and now she has come to expect it. Ugh I don't know why I ever did that as she was fantastic at going to bed on her own and sleeping through the night which she doesn't do either anymore. So since SM is expected in three weeks M and I decided we have to be firm with our sweet little girl and make her sleep in her own bed. This is so rough for me, I love my little girl and hearing her scream and cry is tearing me apart at this very moment. So far its 9:17pm in the Mismatch house and we started putting her to bed at 8pm at her bedtime. We give her five minutes of crying then we take turns going in to comfort her and put her back in her bed and reassure her that everything will be okay. As soon as we leave she is out of bed throwing her cookie monster and bunny that she carries everywhere out of her bed, then goes her cup, her pillow and then herself. I know this can only last so long but I already feel defeated and its only been 1 1/2 hours. I know that we are going to go through this with nap time and bedtime again tomorrow and I feel like a horrible mother right now. I know I need to stand strong against her and that she will be fine and sleeping in her bed in no time if we are firm but its sucking my energy right out of me and all I want to do is grab her up and hug her and tell her it will be okay and cuddle with her and fall asleep along beside her because she is my sweet little baby... Please pray that God gives me the strength to stand strong and not give in to that sweet little face of hers that I have come to love more and more everyday. M is getting frustrated as well, I would say I am handling it better than him with her crying. I am trying to block out that five minutes we let her cry but that is pretty hard for me to do right now. He isn't able to block it out and I think we have had about enough of each other as I am feeling like he isn't helping out the way he should trying to do this even though it is both of our faults that we are in this situation. Where is Nanny 911 when you need them to encourage you that it will be okay as we sit outside her door crying for her as well. This hurts me just as much as it is hurting her and I hate this feeling that I am hurting my little girl so that I can get sleep at night. That just makes me feel selfish but this co-sleeping thing does not work for me. I realize it may for some families but for my sleep and sanity I just can't do it. I am weak.

Everything is peaceful now in the Mismatch household. M actually got her to sleep and calmed down. I am not sure how long this will last and I worry that she will get cold without sleeping in the middle of us but I am trying to resist the urge to go in there and see how she is doing at risk of waking her up. Granted I can see her on the video monitor but that is unable to tell me if she is cold or not. I think I will retire to bed and leave M awake to worry for the night because I am emotionally exhausted and have a feeling this will start up again sometime in the night because she will want to come to bed with us when she wakes up. I don't know if I can take this, I am ready to pull my hair out and feel like a horrible mother.

She woke up, she definitely slept longer than I thought she would. It was hard pulling myself out of bed to put her back into her room as she screamed and kicked and saying momma momma... It pulled at my heart strings but I know I need to do this and by the time SM is born she should be sleeping in her own bed, we can hope right? Please tell me this won't be this long!

Dr. Update (35W6D) & Other Things

Saw Dr. PWH today, she said I am still dilated the same (2 cm.) so that is a good thing. I presented her with my list of concerns and this is what she did...

1. I told her that all I want is ice and no "real" food and I think my iron is low. She in turn prescribed me iron supplements and ran a CBC which I will get the results of before my next appointment (Dec. 18th @ 9:40am).

2. Told her about severe leg cramps-she wants to see my CBC before doing anything about that

3. Suspected yeast infection, which is no fun and I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy-prescribed Diflucan.

I am glad I got all my complaints taken care of besides the usual backaches, can't get comfortable, constantly full feeling, and general contractions that for the record I DID NOT complain about to her because I know all of this is normal and definitely worth it once SM is here.

His heartrate was 144 today and my blood pressure was 124/76 so everything is looking great. Three weeks and one day I will have a baby boy in my arms if I don't go into labor before that point. A part of me wants to go into labor the day I hit 37 weeks (considered full-term) but a part of me is also okay with waiting to 39 weeks and getting the c-section.

I am just scared out of my gourd on how MS is going to react and if she is going to be okay through this. I want her to remain my mostly sweet little girl that has no insecurities and loves her mommy and daddy. I have told her there is a baby in mommy's belly and she will kiss and hug my belly and say baby SM but I don't think she has grasped that a real baby is in there and he will be coming home soon and she won't get as much one-on-one attention that she is used to. I will try my hardest to spend time with just her but I know its going to be demanding as I plan to breastfeed and that takes up a lot of time in itself without all the care a newborn requires.

The strange dreams have hit me full force now, you have to love hormones! I was dreaming that someone came to the door, I have reason to believe it was someone I know but still unsure. She was asking to see MS (for some reason I know it was a Monday, don't ask how I know this!?) and I told her MS was taking a nap and she could come back on Friday. The girl then said "oh you can't be disturbed until Friday? In a very nasty tone and then I heard a zoom and crash and woke up sitting straight out of bed. I couldn't shake this weird feeling, it sent chills down my spine and my subconscious told me to check the doors and pray. I did this as my brain told me to, everything was okay and I did pray for my family to be safe. It is weird because it wasn't what I would consider a bad dream but I just felt very unsafe and needing comfort... I don't know what that was all about but I am just going to attribute it to hormones!

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

She Is Trying To Kill Me!

My dear sweet MS is not the loving MS that she normally is. As of yesterday I have three battle wounds from her. The first would be a lovely black eye, did you know black eyes turn different shades, well I found out that they do! She decided while I was laying in bed that it would be great fun to head butt me in my eye socket. It hurt, I cried, I kicked, I was a baby but it still hurts and now that it is bruised I believe I had every right to act like a baby!

Second: Not all my drawers in the house are baby-proofed. M will have a job on Thursday to cure that but she had opened the top drawer that I didn't think she could get into (she proved me wrong!) and grabbed the chicken de-boners. I go to take them away and she opens them up and goes ARGGHH like a monster, little did I know that is what I would be thinking of her in a matter of seconds. I grab the sharp end and somehow my finger was in between the blades and what does she of course do? Well with all her might she shuts them on my big fat finger. Now I have a very deep cut on my pointer finger all the way down to the cartiledge. Ahh the joys of parenthood.

Third: It wasn't exactly her fault but her behavior transpired into me causing harm to my lovely knuckles. I am not the most patient person in the world, if you thought so I must have really fooled someone. She continued to throw a tantrum because I would not let her touch the buttons on the television. We go through this about a hundred times a day-no exaggeration. I just got fed up I couldn't handle her yesterday and decided to punch the refrigerator. At the time it sounded like a great idea-better than MS right? Well, my knuckles are calling me quite the dummy right now. Needless to say it was not a good day in the Moo household...

Here is a question for all you moms out there... Why why why does a 1 1/2 year old find it necessary to bang their head on the floor and make themseleves scream even louder in the event of a temper tantrum. Seriously I want to call her a dummy when she does this but I feel bad because she hurt herself even though she did it to herself. I am ready to pull my hair out!

Tuesday, December 09, 2008

The First Snow

Today it begun snowing around 7:30am and it hasn't stopped yet! They are calling for 1-4 inches but who knows what we will actually get. I love the first snow of the season and it will be the first time we take MS out in it. As I sit here I am getting excited about showing her how to make snow angels (depending on the amount of cooperation she will put forth) and we will attempt a snowman but that depends on how good the snow is. Around this time in 2006 I was still pregnant with MS and battling the flu so I was unable to go play in the snow. In 2007 MS was still small for her age and we were still concerned about her temperature so we decided that it was best to keep her inside all nice and warm, now the snow has came back and nothing is going to hold us back from taking her out and playing. I will edit later with pictures.

In other news I am 35 weeks 4 days. I am excited that I am getting so close to being 36 weeks. I am happy that I am able to cook our sweet little boy longer. Don't get me wrong there are days I just want him out and to be done with pregnancy but I know that is not what is best for him so we play it day by day and I know everyday counts. Thursday I go see the doctor again, hopefully I am not dilated any further than what I was last Monday. He has definitely dropped significantly, it takes a lot to walk because of all the pressure in my pelvis but that is a small price to pay to have him in another day. I may not be the most religious person, I do believe their is a God and he does wonderful things. I don't pray like I should I catch myself only praying in desperation (which I should work on changing) but I thank God everyday that he has stayed in longer. I am hoping to go to at least 37 weeks which is considered full term then I will know the chances of him being healthy are higher than what they are now and he will most likely be just fine. If it is meant to happen it will but I am hoping to hold on for a while. One week 3 days I will be 37 weeks!

Sunday, December 07, 2008

Jingle Bells

So today I attempted to sing Jingle Bells to MS... That didn't turn out the way I thought it would. I started singing and couldn't remember anything but Jingle Bells, yes I am serious. So, I had to go look up the lyrics and felt like a retard as I really should know them. In case you are all wondering here are the lyrics to Jingle Bells...

Dashing through the snow
In a one horse open sleigh
O'er the fields we go
Laughing all the way
Bells on bob tails ring
Making spirits bright
What fun it is to laugh and sing
A sleighing song tonight

Oh, jingle bells, jingle bells
Jingle all the way
Oh, what fun it is to ride
In a one horse open sleigh
Jingle bells, jingle bells
Jingle all the way
Oh, what fun it is to ride
In a one horse open sleigh

A day or two ago
I thought I'd take a ride
And soon Miss Fanny Bright
Was seated by my side
The horse was lean and lank
Misfortune seemed his lot
We got into a drifted bank
And then we got upsot

Oh, jingle bells, jingle bells
Jingle all the way
Oh, what fun it is to ride
In a one horse open sleigh
Jingle bells, jingle bells
Jingle all the way
Oh, what fun it is to ride
In a one horse open sleigh yeah

Jingle bells, jingle bells
Jingle all the way
Oh, what fun it is to ride
In a one horse open sleigh
Jingle bells, jingle bells
Jingle all the way
Oh, what fun it is to ride
In a one horse open sleigh

Saturday, December 06, 2008

Shattering News...

Yesterday my parents recieved a phone call from a law firm saying they needed to confirm CYB's death. My mom thought it was a bill collector trying to scam them on giving information about her. We had not talked to CYB in about six months after the wildfires destroyed their home and were evacuated. We knew they were safe due to a couple of news stories, this was the last we heard from her and my three nephews. (My brother is married to CYB but they have been seperated for five years and he has not even seen his boys-yes he is a deadbeat and its quite alright to say that... anyways) So, I begin to search on the internet for obituararies, I am unable to find any at all. I begin to think this is a scam then I got smart and checked the Social Security Death Index website and there it was in black and white. CYB death Sept. 8, 2008. I was in shock, she was only 37 years old, she wasn't in the best health but we sure didn't expect that and we sure thought that we would at least get a phone call from her lover who we welcomed into the family for the past five years and thought was a great guy as he stepped up to father my nephews... I couldn't believe my eyes, in a state of shock, confusion, disbelief, and then total panic. Where were my nephews? Nobody had contacted D my brother or my parents about it. The lawyer was a bill collector that had recieved notice of her death and was trying to confirm it, why if the lawyer was able to find us was the state of California unable to find any of to notify us... Again, where the hell were my nephews aged 9,7, & 6. I started searching the internet for my nephews names and stumbled across a court website. It showed that BH was granted custody (her lover and the man who raised them-their REAL daddy as far as I am concerned) on 11/22 since they were unable to find any other family. Obviously California did not try very hard in looking for them, which angers me because how many other children are awarded custody to people that might not be suitable to raise them because they really didn't search for any family. Anyways, I get a hold of one of CYB's friends that lives here in small town Kansas and see if she has a different phone number. She was also unaware that CYB had passed away as well. I try the phone number she has and BH did answer so I begun to "nicely" interrogate him. They believe that it was her heart because in July she had an angiogram that showed her heart was only functioning at 60%, my question is if the doctors knew this two months before she passed why wasn't something done? The day she passed away she had gotten a phone call from the school saying D.A. was sick and needed to be picked up so she sent D.W. to pick him up. When D.A & D.W returned they found their mom slunched over in bed, already blue. An ambulance was immediately called and they were unable to revive her. A death certificate still has not been issued (is this weird? I find that really odd) because her case is "complex" according to the county they live in because she was on a mixture of medications (a combination of 15).

I am not sure how I feel about BH raising my nephews. I know he is a really good guy and has always been in the boys' life and should be considered their daddy, but now he can legally get their last name changed. They are the last of the boys to carry my maiden name and that makes me sad knowing that our bloodline will end with these boys as I have no doubt BH will most likely legally adopt them, right now he has been granted permanent custody (I think these are two different things... right?). I am sure we will find out more in the months ahead I will by deadbeat brother would pull his head out of his ass and step up to the plate but I really don't see that happening due to him lying to the "girl of his dreams" who seems to think he only has one child and was unmarried. In actuallity he has five children and was married to CYB until she passed away.

In other news I am still having a lot of contractions, I am sure at my next doctor appointment (Thur.) that I will be dilated farther. At least I have hit 35 weeks, according to BabyCenter he is 18 inches and 5.5 lbs, I wish my OB would do another sonogram since I have pre-term labor hanging over my head I would like to know about his lungs and organs so I know what to expect like we did with MS. I told her I wanted the steroid shot to make sure his lungs were matured but she didn't feel the need for this. That really upsets me because I feel that is what helped MS do so well when she was born at 36 weeks and only had temperature problems. Ugh, I am ready to pull my hair out and the doctor isn't helping.

Thursday, December 04, 2008

34W6D and Dilated--WARNING this is a complaint post

If you have read any of my blog archives you will know my pregnancy with MS was not the best yet totally worth it. Now this pregnancy is beginning to resemble MS's and its been a struggle the past week or so because it is hard being on bed rest with a twenty month old who let me add is a bundle of energy. M is driving me nuts as its like pulling teeth to get him to pick up the house even though he is taking great care of MS. I never realized how much I actually did around the house everyday until I have gotten the privilege of cleaning everyday taken away. Yes I am complaining because I have to look at my house in total chaos. At least the house got vacuumed and the laundry is done but as for the dishes and the scrubbing of bathrooms well lets just say its not getting done! I saw the doctor on Monday and she checked me. I am effaced and two centimeters dilated at 34 weeks. This truly scares the crap out of me as 34 weeks is still pretty early and he needs time for his precious lungs to get stronger. I know survival rate is decent but I don't want decent I want excellent. I also remember when MS was in the NICU and the nurses would refer to the little boys that were Caucasian as puny little white boys because they always seems to do this worst. So having my sweet precious little boy in the catergory scarys the living daylights out of me. I am taking it day by day but the contractions and not being able to do anything is driving me mad but it will be worth it when he comes, hopefully later than sooner. They went ahead and scheduled the c-section for January 2nd, just in case he decides to stick around in the ol' uterus instead of being so impatient to get out. I hate to tell him its cold out here, not a tropical 98.6 degrees. Oh well, you can't tell kids nothing-they never listen as I am learning with my daughter!

Monday, December 01, 2008

Reasons to not teach body parts

I have a pretty observant child I really do. Most moms can relate that you are never able to get a moment alone especially if you would like to shit, shower, or shave... Its inevitable they want in and to no avail when you have a husband that doesn't want to hear her screaming at the door he will let her in to satisfy her needs. So there I am stark naked waiting for the bathtub to fill up with water. She notices my breasts and tries to touch them, I tell her no those are mommies boobies... Boy was that a mistake, two days later she is still trying to lift my shirt saying boobies boobies. I am really hoping that this will never get out into the public where people know me. Ahhh gotta love children!