Thursday, December 11, 2008

Its Going to be a Long Night

When we lived with my parents for a couple months before buying our home we were all sleeping in the same room. She was in a toddler bed beside us. She would go to bed on her own and end up in our bed around 1am. I never let this happen before we moved to my parents but I didn't want her crying and waking up my parents so we continued to let this happen. Unfortunately it carried on once we moved out to our new house. We have been letting it happen since July and now she has come to expect it. Ugh I don't know why I ever did that as she was fantastic at going to bed on her own and sleeping through the night which she doesn't do either anymore. So since SM is expected in three weeks M and I decided we have to be firm with our sweet little girl and make her sleep in her own bed. This is so rough for me, I love my little girl and hearing her scream and cry is tearing me apart at this very moment. So far its 9:17pm in the Mismatch house and we started putting her to bed at 8pm at her bedtime. We give her five minutes of crying then we take turns going in to comfort her and put her back in her bed and reassure her that everything will be okay. As soon as we leave she is out of bed throwing her cookie monster and bunny that she carries everywhere out of her bed, then goes her cup, her pillow and then herself. I know this can only last so long but I already feel defeated and its only been 1 1/2 hours. I know that we are going to go through this with nap time and bedtime again tomorrow and I feel like a horrible mother right now. I know I need to stand strong against her and that she will be fine and sleeping in her bed in no time if we are firm but its sucking my energy right out of me and all I want to do is grab her up and hug her and tell her it will be okay and cuddle with her and fall asleep along beside her because she is my sweet little baby... Please pray that God gives me the strength to stand strong and not give in to that sweet little face of hers that I have come to love more and more everyday. M is getting frustrated as well, I would say I am handling it better than him with her crying. I am trying to block out that five minutes we let her cry but that is pretty hard for me to do right now. He isn't able to block it out and I think we have had about enough of each other as I am feeling like he isn't helping out the way he should trying to do this even though it is both of our faults that we are in this situation. Where is Nanny 911 when you need them to encourage you that it will be okay as we sit outside her door crying for her as well. This hurts me just as much as it is hurting her and I hate this feeling that I am hurting my little girl so that I can get sleep at night. That just makes me feel selfish but this co-sleeping thing does not work for me. I realize it may for some families but for my sleep and sanity I just can't do it. I am weak.

Everything is peaceful now in the Mismatch household. M actually got her to sleep and calmed down. I am not sure how long this will last and I worry that she will get cold without sleeping in the middle of us but I am trying to resist the urge to go in there and see how she is doing at risk of waking her up. Granted I can see her on the video monitor but that is unable to tell me if she is cold or not. I think I will retire to bed and leave M awake to worry for the night because I am emotionally exhausted and have a feeling this will start up again sometime in the night because she will want to come to bed with us when she wakes up. I don't know if I can take this, I am ready to pull my hair out and feel like a horrible mother.

She woke up, she definitely slept longer than I thought she would. It was hard pulling myself out of bed to put her back into her room as she screamed and kicked and saying momma momma... It pulled at my heart strings but I know I need to do this and by the time SM is born she should be sleeping in her own bed, we can hope right? Please tell me this won't be this long!

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