My Apologies

I have been really crappy about posting lately. I vowed to myself that I wouldn't let this become a cutesy pinch my kids cheek blog, or just update everyone in general. I am trying to get back into my groove of writing, partly because my sanity is depending on it. I notice when I write I am generally in a better mood and my family will probably thank me for beginning to write again because I just can't stand it anymore. I am to the point of pulling my hair out, climbing in my closet and just crying. Why you may ask I have no idea! Thats why I should probably start writing again, it gives me insight into what is really going through my head. Right now as I try to write I have my husband looking over my shoulder, my daughter yelling I did it and doing some crazy exercising move and yet I am still concentrating on the task at hand. Writing to relive my frazzled brain and attempting to not go psychotic! Hey I never said that I was the least bit sane.
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Why is that when you go to the store you always find the lunatics? I encountered a lady today while trying to find the perfect head of lettuce. I am minding my own business when a lady in her late 40's I would say approaches me. She starts going through the lettuce herself and talking to herself, this is what I hear.
Hmm too many roaches... I am sitting here thinking what the hell are you talking about lady, roaches? I am trying to keep the laughter inside as I realize this lady is bat shit crazy. The next head of lettuce she picks up she screeches and tosses it in my direction. Morbid curiosity or plain stupidity makes me engage in a conversation with her. She tells me her name is Peachy (I am hoping that it is a nickname) and she plans on making a salad tonight for dinner. I told her that sounded like a good idea, to which her response was: "It would be if there weren't so many bugs in lettuce, the government is trying to kill us with super roaches that attach to our brains!" At that point I back up slowly with a head of lettuce in my cart and walk as fast as I can in the other direction. At least someone was able to make me feel a little more sane today!

i have no title

Life has finally settled down and I have had time to sit down and blog. It feels like it has been years. SM is 6 months old already has two teeth working on crawling and just looking like a little man! MS talks circles around you and never seems to sit still for longer than two minutes. But I wouldn't have it any other way. Still working as a bouncer and I really enjoy it sometimes but other days its UGH dealing with drunk people is not my forte' thats for sure. SM is really enjoying his carrots he gets to eat for the week, last week was squash and he loves to pile in the food. Before I know it they are going to be gone and I will have to cry!

Getting Better...

We have settled in and gotten a pretty good routine down (cross fingers that it continues) and chaos level has definitely started to diminish. SM is three weeks old now, I can't believe how fast the time goes. He is a pretty good baby only crying when he really needs something, not for unknown reasons. Breast feeding got off to a rocky start because he was not wanting to latch on correctly with an end result of injuring me. Everyday we still try breast feeding but I usually end up pumping and giving him a bottle. He just doesn't seem to want to do it. I will pump as long as it takes and its really not too bad anyway because this time around a got a decent pump. MS is adjusting well to her little brother, wanting to throw away diapers and hold him. She now carries around a monkey and puts a diaper on it... Imagine on/off with this diaper for hours on end, oh well keeps her entertained, quiet, and happy! Every couple days we go somewhere so I don't go stir crazy in the house! Last night I left the kids with my mom and went out with M to work and had a blast, I called my mom every thirty minutes but when I returned they were still breathing, sleeping, and didn't kill here in the process either. It was a nice three hour break that was something fun. Started school last Wednesday-I love my teachers and can't complain one bit about them. Well there is the update I have MS screaming eat eat eat and my boobs are now leaking... Oh joy!

Arrived...

SM arrived at 7:47 am on January 2nd 2009 he was 7 lbs. 3 oz. and 19 inches long. More updates will come soon, just enjoying time with my two kiddos.

The End of 2008 Comes to A Close

So much has happened in 2008, life changing experiences that usually don't happen all at once much less in the same year so here is to 2008 coming to an end and hopefully an even better year coming!

• My baby girl turned the magical one this year
• Moved out of the ghetto into a house that we now OWN!
• Started school to become a nurse
• M started school to become a NP
• Found out we were pregnant with SM
• Rescued a kitty that had a fractured skull

I know it may not be a lot to some people but it is a lot to me. Here is to you 2008!

Resolutions, as I am a little hesitant to actually jot down my resolutions as then I might actually have to admit that I didn't do them next year or then will actually have to do them but either way I am still going to jot them down just to torture myself next year.

• Like to get down to a nice weight after baby born (150-160 lbs.)
• Attempt to breast feed SM for at least 6 mo. like I did with MS
• Become a more active mom and take the kids to the park/walks/activities
• Get involved in a play group (this is iffy-I am a little frightened by this one)
• Maintain my 3.5 GPA
• Get my car paid off

I don't think those are too bad, I think the one that will be the hardest the weight loss & GPA because I will really have to work at those and I am a little intimidated by the fact I will have two babies and still manage to get my school work done or anything resembling exercise. I guess we will have to see next year!

Am I Being a Hypochondriac?

The past two weeks I have felt there is something not right with my body. I have told my normal doctor and the doctor I saw today (the one doing the c-section) they seem to think that I am fine and just worrying over nothing I however don't think I am fine. At least on Friday I will be having baby and I won't have to worry to much about pre-eclampsia anymore.

Here are the signs of pre-eclampsia
1. High Blood Pressure (134/87 today)
2. Increase in protein of urine (said it looked fine but in reading about it, Dr. Google says that to get accurate protein you need a 24 hr. urine sample)
3. Changes in vision (I have massive floaters, it appears like gnats are flying around a light-very weird)
4. Severe headaches (check, they make me want to cry!)
5. Unusual bruising (I have bruised dots on my arms-have no clue what they are from)

I found that normal blood pressure for a pregnant woman is 120/80-I normally run 120/60 on most of my visits. Hypertension is usually 140/90 so I am right on that brink of hitting that point so I am really worried about it. Well in 2 days 17 hours I will have a baby boy in my arms and I pray that he is a healthy little guy.

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Makes You Wonder...

As some of you know (hell, I don't even any readers who am I kidding?) I was adopted by my grandparents when I was a child. I have always looked up to them as my mom and dad and nothing will ever change that. So, yesterday I talked to my grandma (my sperm-donors mom) and she said that he was straightening up his act and really wanted to talk to me. Keep in mind the first time I met him I was 13 and he was a total a hole. Since then I probably talked to him once a year in his drunken stupor and had to listen to him saying how much he screwed up and he really wants to be a dad to me yada yada, even though he isn't a dad to the four boys all under the age of 7 so I don't know what makes me so special. Anyways, so she gives me his number. I figure eh its the holidays I will call and say hi. So, I call and his girlfriend that he moved in with answers the phone. I think at first she was wondering who the hell was calling her boyfriend. She said he was unavailable and asked who it was so she could tell him I told her it was S, his daughter. Magically he was available to talk-gotta love jealous women! So, he goes on to say he has been sober 150 days and is working at a juvenile detention facility with teenagers that are just like he used to be-great I really can't picture that but okay. So, he said he is going to file for custody of his children-good luck after not being there for three years or paying a single cent in court ordered support! I am happy that he is trying to change his life, I really am but a part of me only thinks this is a facade' and he is doing it for this woman as he has been sober as long as he has lived with her. Don't get me wrong I hope he does straightened up his act for himself and his boys but I see failure-I know that is horrible. He goes on to say he wants to come see his grandkids this summer. Well, that set me off I don't view him as my father and I never will. He didn't raise me, teach me the things as dad is supposed to teach, or even try to stay in contact with me. I feel being a grandparent is an achievement you can only achieve after you have raised your own kids and is a privileged title, not something you can just claim, but have to put in many hours of stress, pride, anger, happiness etc. to gain that title. So, I told him that they were not his grandkids and if he wanted to see them that was great but he was only DB to me not dad/father and he will never be grandpa. I was maybe a bit harsh but just because he is sober does not mean I am going to let him take a role in my life that has only brought me bitterness throughout the years of growing up. He sure won't be in and out of my children's lives as an important figure, he has a track record with me so why should I give him the benefit of doubt now? Sorry, just needed to vent.