Sunday, December 14, 2008

Long Night

We got MS dropped off at my parents house. I am really hoping that my mom will listen to my requests of not sleeping with her because it would only be a step backwards if she did and I really hate listening to my daughter's pleas to sleep with M and I. I realize my mom probably will not listen to me as I slept with my mom till I was 13. I was what you would consider a very insecure child growing up. I had severe separation anxiety and fears that my parents would just take off one day and leave me. Looking back now I probably should have been in counseling, I had a pretty rough time before I was even four years old. Before I was born my biological mother (who I know call my sister) was forced into rehab because of her addiction to cocaine while being pregnant with me. After I was born it was my grandparents (now the people I call mom and dad) that took care of me because my BM wanted to party instead. By the time I was a year old I was already calling them mom and dad and her A. When I was two A took off to marry someone and left me. I know now that it was for the best and I don't resent that anymore but I used to. It was something I struggled with for many years and a little part of me does today. At four years old my parents legally adopted me, which was a blessing in itself. My mom had 13 miscarriages and desperately wanted another baby, I would become that baby to her. I can't imagine the pain she went through trying to carry a baby to term and quite frankly I never want to imagine how much pain it caused her. Ultimately though the abandonment left me very insecure and I don't think it was recognized until I became a full fledged teenager that refused to see a therapist because "there was nothing wrong with me." Looking back I should have taken the help but I let pride get in my way and even today I let pride get in my way. My life when I was younger now reflects on how I am a parent whether that is good or not I am still unsure of. I am learning every step of the way. I am not claiming to be a know-it all but I really wish I knew the best way to raise my child and to never hurt her but I know that is going to be impossible. I know everyone makes mistakes some worse than others but I strive to be the "perfect mom" and some days that wears me so thin there is no way possible that I am being a good mom. I am so lucky to be married to M, he can recognize when I need a break and will step up to the plate when I am feeling hopeless and tired. But is it really enjoy that I want to be that perfect parent? I at times feel like a robot caring for her, just going off a schedule and not necessarily bonding the way I should. Don't get me wrong, I love my daughter to death and I would die for her and do anything for her but again is that simply enough? Do I show her my love? I know I say it often and she will tell me "loooov you" but I don't think its enough to tell someone that you love them, actions speak louder than words. I know in the mornings that her diaper is going to be soaked from sleeping over night and it will need to be changed. I know she will demand a nana (banana) and her molk (milk), I know she will sit beside me as she wolfs down her banana and goes onto her reeo's (cheerios). I know she will want me to read and play with her even if I don't feel like it until her 11am naptime. I know she will ask for her puppy mobie (All Dog's go to Heaven) after her name and I will grungingly put the first fifteen minutes on that she will watch and lose interest and go on about her day. Is it not enough to know what she is going to want? Somedays I wonder if I am showing her how much I love her and care for her.

I don't know why this has struck me today, I am feeling sick (ie. sore throat, stuffy nose, ear ache) and just want to be loved and cared for but I don't seem to get the warm fuzzy feeling that I hope I am giving my child. M and I have had numerous discussions if you will call them about us showing our affection towards each other. He has Asperger's Syndrome and I know it can be difficult at times for him to show his feelings but what is my excuse? He will break down sometimes and tell me he doesn't think I care about him because I don't show him that I do. I feel like I do, but do I really? Yes, I may make his morning coffee for him before I wake him up for the day-but is it enough? Lately, I feel like we are disconnected from each other, two strangers parenting a child with another one on the way. At night we don't even cuddle with each other anymore and that could just be because I am so uncomfortable and hot lately I don't want to be touched but should I make that sacrifice just for a little bit so I can show him I do care and love him? I am so conflicted, how much do I have to sacrifice to show him how much I love him before it makes me unhappy to show him because I am trying so hard. He is a great husband and will engage in all my whims, he usually sees to it that all my physical needs are taken care of. Its just emotionally lately we are not taking care of each other. I remember something M's mom once said "tend to your marriage like a garden or weeds will grow" it is always stuck with me and I feel like I have been neglecting my garden lately and I need to pull those weeds before it kills my garden. I feel like all we do anymore is be parents and not partners anymore. I don't know how to go about bringing it up without sounding like a selfish woman. I know its important that MS gets the attention she needs but what about my emotional needs. I feel its more important for MS to grow up in a two parent home with parents that love her and more importantly love each other. To show her what a healthy relationship is and to provide as many tools as possible so she can go out into the real world and be successful. Is this too much to ask?

In other news last night was rather amusing. M works security for a club on the weekends and last night was relatively amusing. A lot of them are married and their wives will come with them on Saturday nights and help out at the club as it gets pretty busy. So two of the other women and I are sitting at a corner table watching all the craziness most of the night when a lady comes up to me and asks me if I remember her. I have no clue who she is and she says she has painted my face once... I think the last time my face was painted was when I was five years old and I highly doubt she remembers me from that long ago so I politely tell her that I don't know who she is and I think she is mistaken me for someone else. Just as she is leaving she steps and trips on my foot (she was pretty drunk) and lands straight on her face. After realizing she was okay and having security escort her out of the club as it was clear she needed to be cut off and go home to sleep all I could do was laugh (I know bad me!). Its night like this that make me smile at all the drunk/amusing people you run across. You have the young girls that want to dress like its going to be 500 degrees and must show as much skin as possible. You have the people trying to dress with a huge coat on even though its pretty warm in there, the girls that look like they are trying to dance in a strip club, not a dance club among others. Last weekend it was crazy enough where I helped do the pat downs and its amazing what people wear into the club or attempt to bring into the club. That night I took away ten, yes TEN bottles of alcohol away from various people trying to sneak it in. Do these people not realize they get patted down and purses checked? I love how our intelligence gets insulted because someone thinks they will get away with bringing it a LARGE bottle of liquor. IF they were to get in the club with it (which is highly unlikely) how do they think they are going to drink it as there are no doors to the bathroom stalls for security purposes and there is a security officer in the bathroom as well as over 15 security guards in the club itself. I would say their plan was never fully thought out-if they wanted to save money they should have stayed at home.

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