Long Night

We got MS dropped off at my parents house. I am really hoping that my mom will listen to my requests of not sleeping with her because it would only be a step backwards if she did and I really hate listening to my daughter's pleas to sleep with M and I. I realize my mom probably will not listen to me as I slept with my mom till I was 13. I was what you would consider a very insecure child growing up. I had severe separation anxiety and fears that my parents would just take off one day and leave me. Looking back now I probably should have been in counseling, I had a pretty rough time before I was even four years old. Before I was born my biological mother (who I know call my sister) was forced into rehab because of her addiction to cocaine while being pregnant with me. After I was born it was my grandparents (now the people I call mom and dad) that took care of me because my BM wanted to party instead. By the time I was a year old I was already calling them mom and dad and her A. When I was two A took off to marry someone and left me. I know now that it was for the best and I don't resent that anymore but I used to. It was something I struggled with for many years and a little part of me does today. At four years old my parents legally adopted me, which was a blessing in itself. My mom had 13 miscarriages and desperately wanted another baby, I would become that baby to her. I can't imagine the pain she went through trying to carry a baby to term and quite frankly I never want to imagine how much pain it caused her. Ultimately though the abandonment left me very insecure and I don't think it was recognized until I became a full fledged teenager that refused to see a therapist because "there was nothing wrong with me." Looking back I should have taken the help but I let pride get in my way and even today I let pride get in my way. My life when I was younger now reflects on how I am a parent whether that is good or not I am still unsure of. I am learning every step of the way. I am not claiming to be a know-it all but I really wish I knew the best way to raise my child and to never hurt her but I know that is going to be impossible. I know everyone makes mistakes some worse than others but I strive to be the "perfect mom" and some days that wears me so thin there is no way possible that I am being a good mom. I am so lucky to be married to M, he can recognize when I need a break and will step up to the plate when I am feeling hopeless and tired. But is it really enjoy that I want to be that perfect parent? I at times feel like a robot caring for her, just going off a schedule and not necessarily bonding the way I should. Don't get me wrong, I love my daughter to death and I would die for her and do anything for her but again is that simply enough? Do I show her my love? I know I say it often and she will tell me "loooov you" but I don't think its enough to tell someone that you love them, actions speak louder than words. I know in the mornings that her diaper is going to be soaked from sleeping over night and it will need to be changed. I know she will demand a nana (banana) and her molk (milk), I know she will sit beside me as she wolfs down her banana and goes onto her reeo's (cheerios). I know she will want me to read and play with her even if I don't feel like it until her 11am naptime. I know she will ask for her puppy mobie (All Dog's go to Heaven) after her name and I will grungingly put the first fifteen minutes on that she will watch and lose interest and go on about her day. Is it not enough to know what she is going to want? Somedays I wonder if I am showing her how much I love her and care for her.

I don't know why this has struck me today, I am feeling sick (ie. sore throat, stuffy nose, ear ache) and just want to be loved and cared for but I don't seem to get the warm fuzzy feeling that I hope I am giving my child. M and I have had numerous discussions if you will call them about us showing our affection towards each other. He has Asperger's Syndrome and I know it can be difficult at times for him to show his feelings but what is my excuse? He will break down sometimes and tell me he doesn't think I care about him because I don't show him that I do. I feel like I do, but do I really? Yes, I may make his morning coffee for him before I wake him up for the day-but is it enough? Lately, I feel like we are disconnected from each other, two strangers parenting a child with another one on the way. At night we don't even cuddle with each other anymore and that could just be because I am so uncomfortable and hot lately I don't want to be touched but should I make that sacrifice just for a little bit so I can show him I do care and love him? I am so conflicted, how much do I have to sacrifice to show him how much I love him before it makes me unhappy to show him because I am trying so hard. He is a great husband and will engage in all my whims, he usually sees to it that all my physical needs are taken care of. Its just emotionally lately we are not taking care of each other. I remember something M's mom once said "tend to your marriage like a garden or weeds will grow" it is always stuck with me and I feel like I have been neglecting my garden lately and I need to pull those weeds before it kills my garden. I feel like all we do anymore is be parents and not partners anymore. I don't know how to go about bringing it up without sounding like a selfish woman. I know its important that MS gets the attention she needs but what about my emotional needs. I feel its more important for MS to grow up in a two parent home with parents that love her and more importantly love each other. To show her what a healthy relationship is and to provide as many tools as possible so she can go out into the real world and be successful. Is this too much to ask?

In other news last night was rather amusing. M works security for a club on the weekends and last night was relatively amusing. A lot of them are married and their wives will come with them on Saturday nights and help out at the club as it gets pretty busy. So two of the other women and I are sitting at a corner table watching all the craziness most of the night when a lady comes up to me and asks me if I remember her. I have no clue who she is and she says she has painted my face once... I think the last time my face was painted was when I was five years old and I highly doubt she remembers me from that long ago so I politely tell her that I don't know who she is and I think she is mistaken me for someone else. Just as she is leaving she steps and trips on my foot (she was pretty drunk) and lands straight on her face. After realizing she was okay and having security escort her out of the club as it was clear she needed to be cut off and go home to sleep all I could do was laugh (I know bad me!). Its night like this that make me smile at all the drunk/amusing people you run across. You have the young girls that want to dress like its going to be 500 degrees and must show as much skin as possible. You have the people trying to dress with a huge coat on even though its pretty warm in there, the girls that look like they are trying to dance in a strip club, not a dance club among others. Last weekend it was crazy enough where I helped do the pat downs and its amazing what people wear into the club or attempt to bring into the club. That night I took away ten, yes TEN bottles of alcohol away from various people trying to sneak it in. Do these people not realize they get patted down and purses checked? I love how our intelligence gets insulted because someone thinks they will get away with bringing it a LARGE bottle of liquor. IF they were to get in the club with it (which is highly unlikely) how do they think they are going to drink it as there are no doors to the bathroom stalls for security purposes and there is a security officer in the bathroom as well as over 15 security guards in the club itself. I would say their plan was never fully thought out-if they wanted to save money they should have stayed at home.

Too Many Decisions in Life!

I think my brain is on total overload after all of the decisions that need to be made rather quickly. First on my agenda-school. I actually enrolled in Vatterott College today, I am not actually sure that I made the right decision and I probably should have done some research on it. Its to be a medical assistant and it will take 60 weeks and a whopping 23,000.00 I know YIKES! Later when I got home I was talking with a friend and she said she has a medical assistant certification as well and the career college she went through is not seen to highly upon by employers, which then got me thinking... I did some research and I realize some people are just grumpy and complain but the number of complaints about this school is crazy! I went to the BBB and the school has numerous complaints along with a class action lawsuit because their instructors teaching weren't even certified. I have 36 hours to decide I don't want to do it so I have to figure out my options. Go to a community college and get my LPN (2 years, $12,000.00 later) or go to the university for my full RN for 18,000.00. I also have to keep in mind baby #2 will be arriving in Dec. (gender still unknown). So do I go full force ahead and do 4 years in an university or 2 years and make about 20k less a year and be happy with that after all I will have two kids at that point who will need to be supported as well.

Secondly: State insurance is horrible and so is my caseworker. I have been trying to get on state insurance since JUNE it is now the middle of AUGUST. My worker kept telling me she didn't know what the hold up was so I took matters into my own hands and called up state insurance and they said "we haven't recieved your application" ARE YOU SERIOUS! This just tells me that my caseworker does nothing and state insurance is now expediting my case and sending out cards immediatly. Thank you state for giving me a crappy case worker who I promply called her supervisor to complain and have not gotten a call back, could this be a case of crappy state supervisor as well or there is just too many complaints about the workers she is employed to supervise??

Thirdly: M and I still can't decide on a name if it is a girl. I reallllllly want a name that he doesn't care for so he goes the battle. Maybe it will be a boy and we won't go through the battle as we have had a boy name picked up since MS was on the way.

Fourthly: Right now we are staying with my parents until we can get into something better. Its cramped but we are doing well considering. BUT any of the nice places we have found do not accept any pets. Our cats are 9 & 7 years old, spayed & declawed and they are our babies and I don't want to toss them to my parents for a place. I know some people may not be able to understand that but they were our kids before we even started having kids. Our cats are not pets-they are family and it is aggrevating being declined due to pets. Isn't there a pet friendly place for rent that is a 3 bdrm somewhere in this small town? grrr hiss, I guess those houses just weren't meant to be then.

Lastly: Everything is doing well with the pregnancy, nothing major to report. I lost 20 lbs in the beginning and I am slowly gaining that back which I am happy about-gaining weight is healthy and I will definitely accept that! Now, if only I could get my insurance cards so I can get a sonogram and find out the gender of this VERY ACTIVE little baby inside me. I swear MS left etchings in my uterus of what to do while bored, tired, and just plain wanting to annoy mommy. On the MS front she is a talking RUNNING handful. We are working on potty-training, she loves her pink potty chair and she goes "peepee" in it according to her. The funny thing is, she demands toilet paper after use and insists on flushing that in the big potty and waving bye bye to it... Very cute but that is to be expected she is a P/B child and we are very proud of her accomplishments as any parent would be. She also plays "sock monster" this happens by putting a sock on her hand and she will run after everyone in sight going ARGGGGH, very cute and I am sure she will do it in public someday and make me apologize to some poor stranger. M has also taught her to blow boogers, keep in mind his blowing snot and mine are two different things. He has taught her to hold the side of a nostrel and blow-hard... Thanks M I really appreciate it when she blows snot... all over me. She has figured out that the highchair is climable and when she is hungry tries to climb it, this is NOT okay with me and she gets in trouble everytime but she is stubborn like me and we go back and forth about 20 times before the food is actually ready for her consumption. She is doing way too many cute things now and definitely knows how to throw on the charm when she is in trouble. There are days when I have to cover my face to tell her no and divert her attention somewhere else because I am laughing to hard to really tell her no. The lovely joys of parenthood!

MS Swinging-Isn't she cute??

MS loves her swing and it makes mommy & daddy have a little sanity throughout their day. The swing is definitely a blessing to have, I don't know what I would do without it. M being the handyman he is rigged the swing where it actually plugs into the wall so no batteries are required, if you would like to know how this is accomplished leave a comment!

What a wild and crazy week and half. I really haven't even had time to sit down it seems like. I am always doing something or someone is needing something. I wish I could say "no" why can't I tell people now, I should have learned my lesson by now by always being the nice person and saying yeah I can do that or sure if you need that. Why can't I just be the grumpy-cranky person that nobody even asks anything of and shudder when they even think to ask me. Will I change? Probably not because I do enjoy helping others but it really is starting to impede into MY time! I will say that my new neighbors have found out pretty quickly that (a) I usually have food stocked for when THEY need something (b) I am a great babysitter (c) my husband can fix computers/phone lines/cable lines/electric wiring and more (d) we will always take you where you need to go since you don't have a vehicle (e) we will answer our phone when its 1am because you happen to think having a "crisis" is something we care to hear about.... Wow! Just reading that makes me feel somewhat bitchy and relieved... Now if I could only say that to earwax neighbor, drunk neighbor, crazy neighbor and Mr. boom boom neighbor... Today I got a note on my door from Mr. Boom Boom saying he would like to borrow the following movies-do you not have the courteous to knock on the door and ask? There wasn't even a please or thanks in advance, it was a simple demand and now I am mad about it but of course I probably won't be blunt about it because I don't want to make the neighbors mad even thought I am blunt to everyone else around me, what is it with these people that I can't be blunt or just say no? I now babysit everyday-she is a good kid though but some days I just want time to sit will my dear baby WHO IS 13 POUNDS is sleeping. Oh well I guess I can't complain too much because I am not doing anything to fix it as of right now.

I miss my froggy-friend :) I can't wait to see her on the 20Th! I miss my in-laws I haven't seen mommy-dearest in law since May and daddy-dearest in law since the end of May. So I am excited to see everyone and meet M's friends that he had in high school (it is his 10 year reunion)

M still likes his job-I like it because it finally has set hours... I guess I sorta have a job babysitting 5 days a week it isn't too bad, poor kid gets bored at my house though because I have nothing to entertain her with :(

Random Ramblings....

What do I write? I am totally at a loss for emotions let alone words. Right now life is just going, same old routine, no change, just there. Not that I am complaining I just wish I got out of my house more often. But it seems anytime I get out of the house (like yesterday) MS does something really cute and I miss it. I feel bad for missing my daughter laugh. Maybe when I have my mom watch her I will instruct her to not tell me anything she does anymore so I don't feel horrible about missing it. Maybe I just won't ever leave again so I don't miss anything, I don't know because I think I want a job, but then again I don't know. I am so indecisive lately, I don't know what my problem is lately. I am just stuck between what I think I want that day, even though I don't really want to...

I have also realized a lot of people are "friends of convenience" this has really put a damper in my day to day activities. I have done a lot for the person that I haven't known very long, I thought she was a friend. I am opening my eyes and realizing that she only comes around when she wants something or needs me to watch her kid. I have also noticed she is FULL of drama, I have my own problems people, I don't need yours! She is constantly having an problem that could be avoided if she would just think about things for once, but I don't think she has anymore brain cells left!

I have realized my mom is a fantastic person, I didn't give her enough credit for the woman she is. I used to say "I will never be like my mom" well now I am re-tracting that statement I hope I am woman enough to be just like my mom. I would be so lucky to even be half the woman that my mom is. She is totally honest, kind, caring, blunt, can take care of anything that goes wrong. My mom can paint, draw, do anything you want her to. My mom takes pride in everything she does and I just hope I become like her one day.

Underestimated

I really under-estimated how much a stay at home mother really does! I thought this stuff would be easy... You know watch some tv and just relax. Boy was I wrong. I am constantly cleaning and taking care of MS I hardly sit down through the day... I think having a job would be easier to do then to stay at home. It seems like nothing is ever done and I am constantly doing it over and over. I love staying home with MS but its hard!

MS is doing great, she is rolling over both ways now and starting to scoot around the house. Its hilarious! She puts her butt in the air kicks her legs and puts her head down and off she goes, maybe I can catch a picture of her doing it one of these days! I don't know how people can catch all their children's first moments I feel like such a horrible mother but by the time she is doing it I want to keep watching her instead of running for the camera... Maybe I could just attach the camera to me everyday so I could get all of those moments haha!

M is enjoying his job still despite all the idiots but I will save those stories for later, maybe when I actually have the time to sit here in type. I really should be putting away clothes but hey this girl needs a break!

My froggy-friend is coming into town tomorrow I am so excited, I haven't seen her in almost a month YAY!

I have made some new friends since being here that live across from us, its almost like New York (stereo-typed) sitting on our porch's looking at each other and talking... lots and lots of talking its great!

Everything Eventually Comes Together.... Right?

Its really hard to blog lately when life gets so busy! My froggy-friend has been on my butt to make yet another blog post, so I guess I need to buckle down and try to get back to our regularly scheduled program on MY life haha!

M likes his job but hates working with all the idiots... He says its pretty sad when the stupid people are calling other people stupid. His stories he comes home with are rather amusing and really shows the intelligence of the crew!

MS is doing really good. She sure is growing. She is 7lbs. 4 oz. 20 inches long now. She is now the size of an average newborn, which is just crazy! She is sleeping fairly well. Yesterday me and her tangled all day. I just wanted to crawl in a hole and not come out, unfortunately that was not an option, but she was a great little girl today-I went back to liking her (I know that sounds horrible).

I am trying to be the "stereo-typical" housewife (yes, i know that is amusing for some of you). I am not doing that good though to say the least. My house looks like a tornado went through it and dinner is never ready when I want it to be. But hey I am trying!

I miss everyone back in Big-Town Kansas but I know this was a good move for us and financially we are getting back to where we want to be so that is a good thing and I am starting to stress a little less than what I was. We can actually afford a child now YAY!

Our neighbor SH is hilarious and has really welcomed us into the neighborhood, she is hilarious. She is a huge klutz (her words not mine)... The other night she spilled her coke in the process of cleaning that up she kicked her daughters plant across the yard, managed to break her chair, then fall off the side of the porch and now she was not under the influence of anything which makes it even more hilarious.

Our other neighbor J has tried to poison us with expired crackers A WHOLE FREAKING BOX FULL! I am glad that I am fairly anal about looking for expiration dates on everything... That box is now at the bottom of a dumpster. Lesson #600 Never accept food from strangers!

Better Days Ahead

We are finally moved into our place in small town Kansas, its really nice and has BRAND NEW appliances which I am in love with. If I could marry my appliances I would haha! In the past two weeks a lot of things have happened. M has a great job which he is going on day 5 of that job and still likes it so thats a good sign I think. We still don't have all our boxes un-packed but it will get there, I would rather stare at my daughter than un-pack because I will only be able to get those moments for so long.

Had to take MS to the doctor today. She (I thought) had allergies the classic red puffy eyes, stuffy nose, & sneezing. Well today she was running a fever so I took her in. I am definately changing doctors after the tests are ran... The nurses putting it nicely are incompetent and have proved they don't read charts so now I am questioning why these people even make charts if they don't read the stupid things. Anyways she is 7 lbs 4 oz now and 20 inches long YAY still in the 5th percentile but thats a lot of weight to gain in two months, as long as the numbers are going up I am happy. The doctor thinks she has GERD (Gastrointestinal Reflux Disease) its common in preemies so he is having us go Tuesday to do an upper GI X-ray with barium to make sure thats what it is. If it is then he is going to prescribe Zantac & Regulin to help with that. If thats what it is the meds sure will make my days so much better. I might actually be able to get something done instead of her screaming in pain and me going to run and get her because I know she is uncomfortable. I feel like crying when she cries because I want so bad to be able to take her pain away but I know I can't :(

An Open Window

We finally found a place close to small town kansas! We are approved and we move on Tuesday! My overall mood has drastically improved after hearing the good news. No more worrying about where we are going to live. Most of the house is packed (still looks like a tornado went through it though.)

M and I went with the family up to Kansas City, Missouri which is where we went for our honeymoon (our 1 year anniversary is the 27th of this month). It was really neat going back there after all most a year. It really brought back good memories. We took the same pictures we did last year but this time add in the little munchkin (will update this post with those pictures once i upload them). We went up to Skies (revolving restaurant above the 40th floor mark) which was a lot of fun even though it was foggy & rainy. We went through Crown Center and visited the indoor waterfall. It was a blast and I hope on our 2nd anniversary we are able to go back up there, even if its just for the day.

MS has been a very cranky little girl lately and I am at a loss of what to for her. I really think she has been having bad gas and the mylicon drops don't seem to work... Any advice?

The Evil Pacifier

This is the pacifier... It is EVIIIILL! MS unfortunately loves the stupid thing. So its time to outweigh the pros and cons

PROS
-It is said that a pacifier can decrease SIDS by 20 %
- it will soothe her when she is crying and sometimes get me and extra 30 min-hour sleep (which is a big pro)
- Since she is a preemie-they say it helps them gain weight faster (only a handful of reports published about this topic, so not too sure if its correct or not)
- She really seems to enjoy sucking on the evil thing

CONS
-at night if she loses it she screams until it is back in place-this happens about 10 times a night and it REALLY STINKS
-25% more likely to have chronic ear infections
-can cause dental problems (in children over 2 years old-which SHE WILL BE WEANED FROM IT BY THEN)

All in all the pros outweigh the cons its just less stressful for her to have it but more stressful for me. I just wish she would get tired of the pacifier and decide its no fun to suck on anymore... This is the ramblings of an over tired mommy haha!

In other news.
M's brother and sister-in-law are here in town so we have been enjoying visiting with them. They are really fun to hang out with and they seem to really like MS (its really cute).

1 Month Old... How Time Passes So Quickly

MS is a month old today. I can't believe that she has been home with us for three weeks now. She is growing a lot! We went to the doctor on Friday and she is weighing 5 lbs. 12 oz. 18 1/2 inches long, head circumference 13 1/2 inches. So in the last month she has grown 1 lb. 10 oz. 1 1/2 inches long and her head has grown 1 1/2 inches. Thats insane! She is finally fitting really well into newborn clothes (yay, be ready for cute clothes pictures now haha)

She has quite the personality thats for sure. She definately has my temper and gets mad quickly but gets over it quickly too! She loves staring at me and M's face, lights, fans, and the Little Mermaid book. She could care less about any noises she will look where its coming from and then go right back to what she was doing beforehand. She is also in love with her pacifier, which I HATE HATE HATE, reason being I hate it is because even if she is dead asleep and loses it and wakes up screaming. Oh well its supposed to help prevent SIDS so I can't complain too much.

M and I decided we are definately moving to small town, KS and he is taking the job offer there. We are going to (most likely) be moving on May 2nd so its been pretty hectic around here packing and sorting and of course throwing things away.

I'm pretty excited about the move since I will be closer to my parents which I really miss a lot. On the other hand though I feel bad because M's parents are here and he for the most part has lived here his whole life. He is going to have to adjust to all the streets and probably get lost a couple times and won't be close to his family and I feel bad for that. Even though thats what I did last year when I came up to live with him but it seems different.

We have so much to do, I didn't realize how much CRAP we had laying around that is now filling up the dumpster. Thankfully we have 4 dumpsters that are picked up weekly otherwise nobody else would be able to their trash where it needs to go (which would be rather amusing, since our landlord lives here and we are extremely tired of the way she goes about things. But if I discuss that further this post would turn into a rant and I don't intend on making it that)

A Week in Reflection

I didn't know anybody that passed away, I didn't know anyone who even attends that school. But my heart goes out to the families and friends of these students. How could someone be so malice? I have found myself not even watching the news about it because even though I knew nobody it some what hits home. Now that I have a baby I couldn't imagine losing my only child or any child for that matter. These people that were murdered in cold blood are my age that could easily have been me and its scary. I just pray that the families find some peace in knowing that the person that murdered their children/siblings/best friends etc. will never walk the streets again and be able to hurt anymore people ever again.

What set him off? There are so many questions that will probably never be answered or any light shed on them. My heart goes out to these families

In other less depressing news, we are moving back to little town to a nice big house and M now has a good job once we get down there. Financially its a really good move for us and I will be about 10 minutes away from my parents. The only down-side is we are leaving M's parents and I feel bad for moving after just having MS and taking M away from them. But we would like to be better finacially so its a good move and I can't wait to be close to my family again!

MS is getting a lot bigger, its crazy how much she has grown! She is now standing when we hold her, its hilarious to see! Now if we could just get over puking everywhere life would be great!! She is now sleeping about 4 1/2 hours at night so I can't complain too much!

Date Night

Before we started our night I wrote out specific instructions for our little bundle of joy to make sure she wasn't too stressed out over different care & handling... yes I know I am truly a dork, but totally okay with that!

This is how we started the night with our precious little bundle of joy... very alert & awake, ready to eat for grandma & grandpa...

We went to Outback Steakhouse and had a great dinner... yummy shrimp! It then started snowing IN APRIL IN KANSAS! I thought that was CRAZY!

Then we went to Home Depot and bought cable ends... Still snowing very wet and COLLLLD!

Then we traveled to the mall... I decided I wanted to start reading to MS so we went to Foozles (a book store in there) they were having a great sale! We got a whole bunch of Dr. Seuss & Disney books, yes ME, I, THE DUMMY spent 50.00 on BOOKS for a child that won't be reading for a loooong time. Oh well she will just be able to recite every book from memory when I am through! mwhahaha

After that it was snowing pretty heavy and we went and got our sweet little baby! Here she is safe at home with mommy and daddy... sleeping (she does that well!)

All in all it was actually pretty nice to get out. I was wondering about her the whole time and I called a couple times to check on her. She doesn't seem traumatized by the whole thing so maybe M and I will have to make a habit of going out together once a month because it was a lot of fun.

Looking back on pictures I can't believe how much she has grown! Its insane how fast she is growing. I would love to get to the point where she sleeps through the night and then just stop her from growing even though I know it doesn't work that way :(

All Around Good Week

Things have started to settle down here now, which I am psyched about! MS sleeps through the night, we have to physically wake her up to feed her and then she goes right back to sleep, I really hope this continues. She is now wearing newborn clothes, they are still a little big but preemie clothes are to small. She has finally decided that the boob is good and I now don't have to mess with the stupid nipple shield. She is growing like a weed, she will be 3 weeks old tomorrow I can't believe it!

M is a great father, did I say great father? I really don't know what I would do without him. He is always helping out and making sure I am okay too. I need to start telling him thank you, because I am beginning to take all his help for granted and in May he has to go back to work and I will have to get up with her at night because he works hard and I wouldn't want him to be tired all day and driving. I think I need to come up with ideas to thank him, because just a plain thank you isn't good enough in my opinion.

Everything is going pretty good for me, I have found out that at 3 in the morning I am a pretty grumpy person and I pity M for having to deal with me. I have been able to get a shower everyday this week and clean the house, quite an accomplishment in my opinion. So here I sit squeaky clean in my clean living room, I know in about 6 months that my house will never be clean again. I am slowly coming to terms with that. My incision where they took MS out hurts again because of my stupid (STUPID STUPID) cat Trouble. I was sitting on the couch loving him and he decides to jump in the air and of course land on my incision... I am beginning to not like my cat at the moment!

Me and M are going to go out on Friday, I am nervous about leaving my baby with his parents. Not that I don't think his parents can take care of her I know they can and will but thats my baby and what if she cries the whole time I would feel horrible for leaving her... I guess once Friday comes we will see how I feel about this and if I can actually go through with leaving her for 2 hours while we go out to eat.

Infomercial really stink at 3 o'clock in the morning, why can't they have better things on? The should have a channel just for parents that are up that stinking early/late. GIVE US SOMETHING INTERESTING TO WATCH!!!!!

Am I Lying To Myself?

-I think she is getting bigger! She is starting to fit into newborn clothes and too small for preemie clothes.

-I will be extremely happy to see those preemie clothes being packed up, there aren't many cute clothes for preemies... hint hint designing people out there you could make some money in designing cute preemie clothes!

-Things are starting to get better besides the whole feeding schedule, which is now moving to every 3 1/2 hours instead of every 3 hours, we are getting some where people, slowly but surely!

-I actually cleaned my house yesterday, some how I ACTUALLY found time to clean, holy moly! Yes, I am very proud of that thank you very much!

-I have found the spot where I can get my me time... When MS is fussy and I really need to check out of mommy-hood for a while I will tell M I have to go to the bathroom and go poop, yes I know I am a liar but I am honestly okay with that because for 10 minutes I am in my quiet place and nobody bothers me. By revealing this I may have just blown that though....

-MS has discovered that she really likes me holding her when she goes to sleep, which I am okay with... I hope she always stays as cuddly as she is now but I doubt that will happen.

-She is holding her head up really well! YAY!

-She is smiling and now its been confirmed that its not just gas, she actually smiles when you tickle her or when she sees me or M. My little girl is already growing up and I don't think I am adjusting well to that yet. Even though sleeping through the night wouldn't be too bad in my opinion but its all worth it.

-Wow, I must be in a good mood today! I have been up most the night and I have a smile on my face! Thats pretty shocking, guess this is a sign that its going to be a great day (crosses fingers).

My Cat is Bigger than Your Cat!

-I have become to realize my whole life revolves around the munchkin whether I like it or not

-My nipples are very sore

-I hate pumping and I hate the stupid nipple shield, why won't she take my naked boob!!!?

-My cat is still bigger than she is and he is only 7lbs.

-I am a zombie, I am still not used to no sleep, I am still not believing anyone who tells me it will get better because then I will get my hopes up and it will never happen

-I love the little munchkin but she loves puking on me more

-Can you devoice a baby? Yeah thats what I thought, damn the luck

-Went to see the peditrician today and she is 4 lbs. 14 oz. now

Can't Sleep Baby Will Eat Me

Sleep? What is sleep? I think I have forgotten what sleep is all about. I know I lay in bed and close my eyes but that is as close to sleep as I have gotten in a while. MS is doing great she is becoming a lot more alert and loves looking at the fan, lights, and eyes... She has been smiling but I am sure its just gas! Went to the doctor yesterday and she weights 4 lbs. 10 oz so she is up 5 oz. in 5 days woohoo!

My birthday was on the 1st and I got a new digital camera (thanks mom &dad #2), so look for lots of MS pics and weird random pictures that I decide are worth taking...

Already a week old

MS celebrated her 1 week old birthday on Thursday... She got a fantastic present too! She got to come home from the hospital woohoo! I thought I would be up all night, get no sleep, and have her screaming all hours of the night but I thought wrong. The past two nights have been very mellow, she is eating great and keeping her temperature YAY!

Went to the doctor on Friday and she has gained 2 more ounces in a day bringing her up to 4 lbs. 5 oz. he said to keep up what we were doing and she would be big in no time. She is now in the 7th percentile for weight she was in 3rd so thats always good news.

Her umbilical cord fell off at the doctors office when the doctor was examining her. Not sure if she has an innie or an outie, its kinda in between... I will report more on that later!

M has become quite the daddy, he gets up with me for MS feedings and loves to take care of all her needs and of course hold her hold her hold her. Right now they are cuddled up in bed sleeping, its really cute!

Day 6 of NICU

Today has been an extremely long day. I don't think my body can take much more of the lack of sleep. I know once she is home it will be a lot easier because when she wants to eat I won't have to drive 15 minutes to get her some of my yummy moo juice! I can't wait to have her home. They put her back in the open air crib and her body temperature has been able to stay high enough to stay in there for 12 hours and counting, so thats one step closer to getting home. She started having an irregular heartbeat today that our nurse saw. They ran an 12 lead EKG and called in a cardiologist consult. We saw the cardiologist and he said its fairly common even in newborns and not to be alarmed. I am very glad it was nothing but very thankful to have had it checked out just in case. The doctors are really good but none of them communicate with each other which somewhat upsets me. One doctor (her actual peditrician) said to supplement my breast milk feedings with 35 ml of breast milk & fortifier to increase it to 22 calories. She did really well with that but then the nurse practioner came in a couple hours later and tried to reduce that amount. Well angry momma bear came out and I told her like it was, I don't think she likes me anymore but this stuff happens all the time and they always contradict each other. Its really rather annoying! She has gained even more weight. Gained an ounce in 1 day YAY she is now up to 4 lbs. 3 oz. so officially she is above her birth weight yippee! Tomorrow is most likely her carseat test, I am crossing my fingers that she stays warm (never been exposed to open air without blanket for more than an hour) and that her O2 stays where it needs to be. Keep your fingers crossed for this please!

Birth Story

March 21st I was put on cervadil to thin my cervix, they didn't think this would put me into labor and I would have to wait for the morning to start pitocin. Around 10pm that night those contractions started and let me just say contractions are not fun! All I could do was lay there and imagine how gorgeous she was going to be that is what helped me get through those nasty nasty contractions.

Around 3:30 in the morning of the 22nd my nurse came in looked at the monitor and said "hmm" then another nurse and another... At this point I started to freak out a little bit, I asked what was wrong, they said her heart rate was falling every time I had a contraction. The said they were scheduling a c-section at 5:30 in the morning and they had to stop the contractions.

Next thing I know the nurse comes in and says we are prepping you for c-section now... (this was about 3:50am). Next thing I know I am being wheeled into an operating room. I remember hearing rock music playing and it was really hot in there! It took six tries for the doctor to get my epidural correctly placed which seemed like an eternity being hunched over and leaning on M. As soon as the epidural took effect they started cutting.

It was really laid back in there I think mainly because I knew all the nurses and the doctors because of weeks of being there on bedrest and wheeling around the hospital almost non-stop in a gorgeous black wheelchair (haha). I got compliments like "you got really great tissue" which I was amused about that then and I still am! M was able to videotape the whole thing which was absolutely awesome.

At 4:39 am MS was brought into this lovely world. The moment Dr. S raised her over the screen for me to see I lost it. I started bawling and I was so relieved she was here. I mumbled the words "I'm a mommy" it hit me that all of these months that I have had my little angel inside me I had grown to love her so much that it hurt.

She had to be taken to NICU because her body temperature was really low so M went up there with her which was a relief to me. Around 8 am they wheeled me up in the bed and let me see her for 5 minutes, I cried the whole time. I was devastated that I couldn't hold my baby, all I could do was stare and that hurt.

Around 930 I was already up there to go see my precious angel she was in an isolette and a heart rate monitor attached to her. I begin to cry, she looked so vulnerable and tiny. I just wanted to grab her, hold her to my chest and run out of the building.

Now its day 6 in NICU. She was under bili-lights for jaundice but those levels have went down. She is eating very well! They are weaning her temperature down. She was moved to a crib but had to go right back to an isolette because she had gotten too cold. Doctors say she should be home by the weekend... I am sure hoping so!