Long Night

We got MS dropped off at my parents house. I am really hoping that my mom will listen to my requests of not sleeping with her because it would only be a step backwards if she did and I really hate listening to my daughter's pleas to sleep with M and I. I realize my mom probably will not listen to me as I slept with my mom till I was 13. I was what you would consider a very insecure child growing up. I had severe separation anxiety and fears that my parents would just take off one day and leave me. Looking back now I probably should have been in counseling, I had a pretty rough time before I was even four years old. Before I was born my biological mother (who I know call my sister) was forced into rehab because of her addiction to cocaine while being pregnant with me. After I was born it was my grandparents (now the people I call mom and dad) that took care of me because my BM wanted to party instead. By the time I was a year old I was already calling them mom and dad and her A. When I was two A took off to marry someone and left me. I know now that it was for the best and I don't resent that anymore but I used to. It was something I struggled with for many years and a little part of me does today. At four years old my parents legally adopted me, which was a blessing in itself. My mom had 13 miscarriages and desperately wanted another baby, I would become that baby to her. I can't imagine the pain she went through trying to carry a baby to term and quite frankly I never want to imagine how much pain it caused her. Ultimately though the abandonment left me very insecure and I don't think it was recognized until I became a full fledged teenager that refused to see a therapist because "there was nothing wrong with me." Looking back I should have taken the help but I let pride get in my way and even today I let pride get in my way. My life when I was younger now reflects on how I am a parent whether that is good or not I am still unsure of. I am learning every step of the way. I am not claiming to be a know-it all but I really wish I knew the best way to raise my child and to never hurt her but I know that is going to be impossible. I know everyone makes mistakes some worse than others but I strive to be the "perfect mom" and some days that wears me so thin there is no way possible that I am being a good mom. I am so lucky to be married to M, he can recognize when I need a break and will step up to the plate when I am feeling hopeless and tired. But is it really enjoy that I want to be that perfect parent? I at times feel like a robot caring for her, just going off a schedule and not necessarily bonding the way I should. Don't get me wrong, I love my daughter to death and I would die for her and do anything for her but again is that simply enough? Do I show her my love? I know I say it often and she will tell me "loooov you" but I don't think its enough to tell someone that you love them, actions speak louder than words. I know in the mornings that her diaper is going to be soaked from sleeping over night and it will need to be changed. I know she will demand a nana (banana) and her molk (milk), I know she will sit beside me as she wolfs down her banana and goes onto her reeo's (cheerios). I know she will want me to read and play with her even if I don't feel like it until her 11am naptime. I know she will ask for her puppy mobie (All Dog's go to Heaven) after her name and I will grungingly put the first fifteen minutes on that she will watch and lose interest and go on about her day. Is it not enough to know what she is going to want? Somedays I wonder if I am showing her how much I love her and care for her.

I don't know why this has struck me today, I am feeling sick (ie. sore throat, stuffy nose, ear ache) and just want to be loved and cared for but I don't seem to get the warm fuzzy feeling that I hope I am giving my child. M and I have had numerous discussions if you will call them about us showing our affection towards each other. He has Asperger's Syndrome and I know it can be difficult at times for him to show his feelings but what is my excuse? He will break down sometimes and tell me he doesn't think I care about him because I don't show him that I do. I feel like I do, but do I really? Yes, I may make his morning coffee for him before I wake him up for the day-but is it enough? Lately, I feel like we are disconnected from each other, two strangers parenting a child with another one on the way. At night we don't even cuddle with each other anymore and that could just be because I am so uncomfortable and hot lately I don't want to be touched but should I make that sacrifice just for a little bit so I can show him I do care and love him? I am so conflicted, how much do I have to sacrifice to show him how much I love him before it makes me unhappy to show him because I am trying so hard. He is a great husband and will engage in all my whims, he usually sees to it that all my physical needs are taken care of. Its just emotionally lately we are not taking care of each other. I remember something M's mom once said "tend to your marriage like a garden or weeds will grow" it is always stuck with me and I feel like I have been neglecting my garden lately and I need to pull those weeds before it kills my garden. I feel like all we do anymore is be parents and not partners anymore. I don't know how to go about bringing it up without sounding like a selfish woman. I know its important that MS gets the attention she needs but what about my emotional needs. I feel its more important for MS to grow up in a two parent home with parents that love her and more importantly love each other. To show her what a healthy relationship is and to provide as many tools as possible so she can go out into the real world and be successful. Is this too much to ask?

In other news last night was rather amusing. M works security for a club on the weekends and last night was relatively amusing. A lot of them are married and their wives will come with them on Saturday nights and help out at the club as it gets pretty busy. So two of the other women and I are sitting at a corner table watching all the craziness most of the night when a lady comes up to me and asks me if I remember her. I have no clue who she is and she says she has painted my face once... I think the last time my face was painted was when I was five years old and I highly doubt she remembers me from that long ago so I politely tell her that I don't know who she is and I think she is mistaken me for someone else. Just as she is leaving she steps and trips on my foot (she was pretty drunk) and lands straight on her face. After realizing she was okay and having security escort her out of the club as it was clear she needed to be cut off and go home to sleep all I could do was laugh (I know bad me!). Its night like this that make me smile at all the drunk/amusing people you run across. You have the young girls that want to dress like its going to be 500 degrees and must show as much skin as possible. You have the people trying to dress with a huge coat on even though its pretty warm in there, the girls that look like they are trying to dance in a strip club, not a dance club among others. Last weekend it was crazy enough where I helped do the pat downs and its amazing what people wear into the club or attempt to bring into the club. That night I took away ten, yes TEN bottles of alcohol away from various people trying to sneak it in. Do these people not realize they get patted down and purses checked? I love how our intelligence gets insulted because someone thinks they will get away with bringing it a LARGE bottle of liquor. IF they were to get in the club with it (which is highly unlikely) how do they think they are going to drink it as there are no doors to the bathroom stalls for security purposes and there is a security officer in the bathroom as well as over 15 security guards in the club itself. I would say their plan was never fully thought out-if they wanted to save money they should have stayed at home.

Out Of A Name

So, today I have successfully accomplished nothing... That is right nothing. I guess that is one thing that I am good at as planning what I am going to do, even writing a "to do" list and then it never gets done when I want it to. Today, I would really like to change that but M is snoozing like a bum and I am attempting to get MS down for a nap in her OWN bed which is quite the challenge. So, we will see how far I actually get today-hopefully farther than what I am thinking I will get done.

MS went to bed by herself last night without too much fighting and comforting. That was a relief because I wasn't sure I could emotionally handle another night without breaking down and committing myself for feeling like a horrible mom. Realistically I know I am not horrible but I feel like it when your precious little baby is screaming out for you because she doesn't want to sleep in her own bed. Yesterday's nap was a met with a little more resistance than bedtime, I think its starting to sink in that we are not going to give in as much as I would like to! She ended up only sleeping for about thirty minutes and was then a very hyper little girl due to lack of sleep afterwards. Normally she takes about a 1 1/2 hour nap but that was not the case yesterday. Right now she is laying down in her own bed, with the door cracked open. As of right now she has been in there ten minutes with no crying/fussing and I am hoping that she will drift off into sleepy land and be there for a little while. I am hoping everything doesn't get unraveled tonight as she will be at my parents house and she always sleeps in the guest room with my mom even though I have asked her many times not to because I don't want her thinking she needs someone there to go to sleep especially with a new baby arriving, it is so frustrating. Any suggestions on how to approach this subject? I have already tried the blunt-she may scream but for the sanity of everyone in the long run you need to let her sleep by herself, but she will go in there and sleep with her ARGH!

Our car is doomed, it hung out with one too many sick cars. It all started last Friday night when M was taking MS to my parents so that they could watch her for a while. It was had snowed and it was pretty icy outside. On the way back home M went to stop at a stop sign and the ABS (Anti-lock Brake System) kicked in and sent him into a curb, hitting fairly hard. We took it to the mechanic yesterday because the steering wheel was not straight, the tires were not straight and you could not go over 45mph in the vehicle. So mechanic says its the struts, both bent which he says he has never seen both of them bent. It will cost 140.00 in labor and 75.00 for the parts because they could get used struts. Okay, thats fine lets do it! They call later after they have ripped the car apart and said it also needs a steering knuckle which they can also get used for 40.00. No problem if that is what fixes everything. Well, we went to go get the car and the mechanic says that the ABS light was on and he fixed it... I said the ABS light was not on when we brought it in but he said he "fixed" it so I was not too worried. Well as we pull out of the parking lot they shut their lights off and out the door they went as well. We have now found out that the ABS light that was not on when we brought it is now turning on if you go over 12mph also when you turn now it sounds like there is cats up in the engine and they are screeching. The car never made those sounds until he messed with it. There is no way to get a hold of them as they are convientently not open during the weekend... Monday they will hear from a very grumpy hormonal female that will expect them to fix what they messed up for free because it was not like that beforehand.

Also, last night I was attempting-keyword attempting to get dressed in normal clothes so that I could take M to work. So far I have gained 15 lbs but my stomach is a lot bigger than it was with MS even though I gained 23 lbs with her. First go on jeans-that isn't going to work as they will no longer fit around my protruding belly. Maternity jeans well that was a nice idea to but I was small with MS and have "small" maternity clothes. So I find some black comfy pants with a tie waist and throw those one. Next comes a shirt... well anything cute that would go with said black pants is refusing to cover my belly-yes even my maternity shirts. So, at this point I was ready to cry feeling like a whale. I sit on the toilet with a bra on and my black pants. I am holding my head in my hands and M walks in. Asks what I was doing and I said in my lovely whining voice "I don't have any clothes that fit!" "My stomach is HUGE!" He then says well that is what happens when you get pregnant and starts laughing. Gee, thanks dear I appreciate your support of not telling me how big I am and that I look gorgeous... I was ready to deck him but didn't. I could just buy new clothes but in three weeks I will be having SM and there is really no point in my opinion so until then I guess I will just be wearing slob clothes-I don't care, its not like I have to be anywhere special.

Happy Anniversary-2 years

Me and M have been married two years now, not sure what our plans are for tonight. We shall see!

An Open Window

We finally found a place close to small town kansas! We are approved and we move on Tuesday! My overall mood has drastically improved after hearing the good news. No more worrying about where we are going to live. Most of the house is packed (still looks like a tornado went through it though.)

M and I went with the family up to Kansas City, Missouri which is where we went for our honeymoon (our 1 year anniversary is the 27th of this month). It was really neat going back there after all most a year. It really brought back good memories. We took the same pictures we did last year but this time add in the little munchkin (will update this post with those pictures once i upload them). We went up to Skies (revolving restaurant above the 40th floor mark) which was a lot of fun even though it was foggy & rainy. We went through Crown Center and visited the indoor waterfall. It was a blast and I hope on our 2nd anniversary we are able to go back up there, even if its just for the day.

MS has been a very cranky little girl lately and I am at a loss of what to for her. I really think she has been having bad gas and the mylicon drops don't seem to work... Any advice?

Chapter Closing

**This is a back dated post from my written journal**

Today is the closing on my life as just a married woman. I found out I am pregnant today. Wow, I am pregnant.... I keep re-reading that line. I didn't think it would happen this fast but it was meant to be. I am now going to be starting a new chapter of Married & Pregnant. Its crazy how fast these chapters have been starting and closing so quickly. But its meant to be and God won't give me anything I can't handle.

This morning I wake up to loud sirens and drums playing. I rush out of bed and put my shoes on because I had just realized I forgot that the parade was today. Fortunately I was able to pour myself some caffeine and relax on the porch to watch the parade (our street is on the parade route) we were out there for two hours so that should tell you the parade was pretty big! This was my favorite picture, I just have a fascination with wagons, I know I am weird.

Most people don't know this but I am a baseball fanatic! I live and breath baseball when it is baseball season. I have also been a bat girl for a team for eight years now... Yes I know I am out-growing this but I really don't care. Every year is the NBC and I have attended now since I was about eight years old. This was alway Daddy & Me time. This year though it has started to grow into a family event. My dad, brother, me, and M attended. My team went three rounds that I bat-girl for (well I have a lot more jobs then that laundry, managing, getting people from point A to B, scouting etc.) It was truly a fun week and I was just able to relax, enjoy the sun and the great games. So many people I saw couldn't believe I was married now, I practically grew up in this Lawrence Dumont Stadium so it was a real shocker for some people that hadn't seen me in a while. M isn't really into baseball but he tried his best and said he would like to go back next year woohoo I am recruiting him into a baseball fanatic, I just have to take baby steps with him and I am sure in a couple years he will live and breath baseball to when its baseball season.

I was disappointed that my team didn't do that well. Oh well there is always next year. They have been coming to this tournament for twenty years now so they don't plan on leaving anytime soon! GO STARS!

Oh and the picture on the left that is Laces he is the NBC mascot and I know him personally but I can't reveal his name he is just Laces. But he made that costume all by himself in a couple weeks isn't that awesome?

Honeymooners

Our honeymoon was fantastic! We were in very big city Kansas in a gorgeous hotel full of shops and lots of exciting things to see. We had a balcony and it was Memorial Day Weekend, bands were playing and fireworks. It was really cool to be sitting on the balcony seventeen floors up and just listening to the orchestra as the fireworks went off. It was truly romantic. We went up for dinner at a place that is 50 floors up and the restaurant rotates that was really cool to see the sights of downtown and enjoy a relaxing dinner. Very very neat. Thanks M's parents for giving us a great honeymoon!

Took the Plunge

Its official! Mr. & Mrs. Mismatch. I can't believe we have come this far. It seems like only yesterday that I fell madly in love with you and have begun to love you more and more everyday. It seems like yesterday when I would cry because I had to go back to small town Kansas for the week and couldn't wait for the next week to come and see you again. It seems like yesterday when we first told each other we loved each other. Wow, it just seems like yesterday...

The wedding went fantastic! It was fairly warm outside (90 F) but was breezy so that really helped. My dad walked me down the aisle and I almost started to cry. I am a big daddy's girl and earlier about 45 minutes before the wedding my dad hadn't turned up. I later found out he didn't want to come until the wedding because his little girl was all grown up now and he didn't want to cry. The justice of the peace was a little irritating but thats okay, he just spoke very slow. I just kept looking into M's eyes wondering what he was thinking as he had "just gotten dust in his eye" (YEAH RIGHT). I tried my hardest not to cry and I didn't, even though I was very tempted to. It was a very emotional day for M and I both. It was truly amazing and I don't think it could have gone any better. With the lake to our backs and the sun setting and be pronounced husband and wife it was like we were the only two there suspended in time looking into each others eyes. I will remember this forever. Now we are off on our honeymoon!