Elective C-Section-I'm Doomed

The c-section date is only ten days away. I am scared out of my mind that I am going to be sliced open, my guts ripped out and put on display for everyone and a baby popping out! I had a emergency c-section with MS which I understand due to decels in the 10's (which I think is due to the cervadil but that is another story). I really wanted to attempt a VBAC with this one but my doctor has convinced me otherwise. So now I am scheduled for what is called an elective c-section, I wouldn't go that far into saying I really had a choice the way it was presented to me. She presented the statistics about placental abruption and told me my baby could die if I did a VBAC. Now, doing research I find that claim true but extremely rare. I am hoping to avoid a c-section and just go into labor a day before my c-section and tell the nurse/doctors that I am going to try to go as far as I can on my own. I have prepared myself for labor and I am hoping I will since it is far too late to change doctors as I only have 10 more days to go. So girls pray for the rapid onset of labor before 5:30am on January 2nd!

Also, another reason I would rather go into labor is the fact that I am selfish. Really, I am. I do not want the 6-8 weeks of healing time that goes into having a c-section, its not fun I have been there done that and I still am occasionally in pain at the site they cut open. I want the satisfaction of knowing I am strong and pushed out my 7lb (doctors estimate) baby! I want to be able to cuddle with my 1 1/2 year old when she wants to and not have to worry about her feisty feet getting me and busting my site open and I want the instant bonding that I never got with MS even though I understand she needed to go to NICU right away due to not being able to keep her body temperature up. I feel like I was robbed of my birth experience with MS even though I know it was for the best because I have a living, happy child as a result. I recovered rather quickly from my first c-section but that was also before I had another child that won't just "stop" crawling over me, wanting held, and needing comfort from mommy. I can't just stay in bed and take it easy-its not going to happen and I know it.

I am so scared to become a mother of two. I am not sure what to expect, everyone is telling me it will be okay but I am not so sure about that. I will have two that want my constant attention, two who will need to be fed and one of those will be breastfeeding and that takes some time unless he becomes a booby champion real quick. I am nervous and excited, more nervous then anything. So much can happen and I don't want MS to feel like she has been replaced. I am working hard in coordination with family to keep her schedule the same so nothing will change there, I feel that is important. My grandparents are coming down to help with MS while we transition new baby into the house (I don't have the nerve to tell them no, but that is a whole different post). I am scared that MS will start behaving badly looking for attention and I will like a horrible mother-I already do since we started making her sleep in her own bed. MS has started calling me "meanie mommy" that stings a little and makes me want to cry, especially when it is time for bed. I can only imagine how bad it is going to get once there is another baby needing my attention as well.

I have a lot to do today-maybe its nesting and labor is imminent? (yeah didn't think so, I can hope right)...

So, in case anyone cares this is what I did yesterday & have plans to do today:
MS Room
-Hung all her decorations (after 2 mo. of living here)
-Went through all of her toys and took out all the things that are too young for her
-Went through her clothes & packed up everything too small

SM Room
-Clothes are folded & hung/necessities placed
-Put up crib (M's job-don't plan on using it right away but I want it done NOW)

*Need to have M put together MS's jumping horse things before Christmas* Wrap Presents*

Living Room
-Cleaned out/under couches (quite a feat-lots of lost items found in there too!)
-Rearranged furniture (M's idea, not mine-I liked it the way it was!)
-Put rocker in living room (Still need to get it from parents house and place it in ours)
-Really need to hang my curtains (more like a M job & his drill)

Kitchen
-Install dishwasher (yup, another M)
-Go through all my plastic tupperware & toss mismatch things

My Bedroom
-Organize closet (it is now color coded & I know it won't stay that way for long)

Master Bath-It really needs help!
-Organize all medicine AGAIN-Dear hubby doesn't know how to put things back after searching for band-aids GRR!
-Need to scrub down the shower-its looking a little grungy too

So there are my plans for the rest of the day, add in eating/sleeping and well I have a full day ahead of me!

MS First Birthday

Geez, how my baby girl has grown. Life is not fair, its not fair because I never want to see her grow up. She has such the personality now, definately her own person. Very stubborn, strong-willed, cheeky, and very active! I love my little girl the way she is and I don't know how I will be able to cope with her growing up even more than this. She had a good birthday, her daddy's parents came down and her great-grandparents along with all her uncles came for her birthday as well. She was pretty happy playing with her uncles. It was almost like a mini family reunion as I hadn't seen my brothers in a while and she had never seen three of her uncles that were down. Keep in mind her uncles are still to young to even be out of a carseat, much less hop in a car to come see us so they came down with her great-grandparents. It was definately a good day, one that will be cherished forever.

Can't Sleep Baby Will Eat Me

Sleep? What is sleep? I think I have forgotten what sleep is all about. I know I lay in bed and close my eyes but that is as close to sleep as I have gotten in a while. MS is doing great she is becoming a lot more alert and loves looking at the fan, lights, and eyes... She has been smiling but I am sure its just gas! Went to the doctor yesterday and she weights 4 lbs. 10 oz so she is up 5 oz. in 5 days woohoo!

My birthday was on the 1st and I got a new digital camera (thanks mom &dad #2), so look for lots of MS pics and weird random pictures that I decide are worth taking...

Day 6 of NICU

Today has been an extremely long day. I don't think my body can take much more of the lack of sleep. I know once she is home it will be a lot easier because when she wants to eat I won't have to drive 15 minutes to get her some of my yummy moo juice! I can't wait to have her home. They put her back in the open air crib and her body temperature has been able to stay high enough to stay in there for 12 hours and counting, so thats one step closer to getting home. She started having an irregular heartbeat today that our nurse saw. They ran an 12 lead EKG and called in a cardiologist consult. We saw the cardiologist and he said its fairly common even in newborns and not to be alarmed. I am very glad it was nothing but very thankful to have had it checked out just in case. The doctors are really good but none of them communicate with each other which somewhat upsets me. One doctor (her actual peditrician) said to supplement my breast milk feedings with 35 ml of breast milk & fortifier to increase it to 22 calories. She did really well with that but then the nurse practioner came in a couple hours later and tried to reduce that amount. Well angry momma bear came out and I told her like it was, I don't think she likes me anymore but this stuff happens all the time and they always contradict each other. Its really rather annoying! She has gained even more weight. Gained an ounce in 1 day YAY she is now up to 4 lbs. 3 oz. so officially she is above her birth weight yippee! Tomorrow is most likely her carseat test, I am crossing my fingers that she stays warm (never been exposed to open air without blanket for more than an hour) and that her O2 stays where it needs to be. Keep your fingers crossed for this please!

Happy 28th Birthday M!

Well I have not personally celebrated two birthdays with you. I will still always make fun of you for being nine years older than me and that is just the way its going to be. I hope you are having a good birthday! At least you got your birthday off of work! I can't wait to spend more birthdays with you. Just think last year you had a girlfriend on your birthday, this year you have a wife on your birthday, and next you will have a wife & daughter on your birthday... How much better can life get? Happy Birthday Sweetheart!

It's MY Birthday!

Its My Birthday!

Today I have been on this earth for eighteen years. Looking back a lot of things have happened in my short little life. I was born to a seventeen year old that had other responsibilities. The people I call mom & dad where there from day 1 (the used to be my grandparents). They legally adopted me once I was four years old. I moved to a small town in Kansas and grew up there knowing everyone and them knowing me. I made a lot of stupid decisions in my teenage years and paid a lot on consequences but now I am on the right track. Just in the past year I have grown up a lot and I thank God everyday for molding me into the person I am today.

Happy Birthday!

Happy 27th Birthday M!

Twenty seven years ago M was brought into this world. Of course I didn't know him then and I wish I did from the stories his mom has told me. He was the the little boy on Rugrats, Tommy that literally had a screwdriver in his diaper and carried a hammer around. At five months of age he learned how to take his crib apart and get out of it. At nine months he was walking and was a crazy boy on wheels. I listen to this stories that his mother tells me and they are absolutely hilarious. I am very happy to know this man and spend my life with him. Happy Birthday Sweetheart!